5 Competing Movies that Make Guys Cry

Sometimes, movies with the same theme come out close together. That gives twice the potential for a good tearjerker.

The goal of this series is to show that being “manly” and being disconnected with your emotions do not necessarily go hand-in-hand. While the approach to these articles is one of comedy and satire, the emotional core of these movies is very valid. Manly movies often times have the potential to make guys cry, for example:

“Dueling Movies”

Sometimes for whatever reason, two films will be released with almost identical plot and themes. To make things worse, sometimes those films are released simultaneously, making the comparisons all the more glaring. When I say “a movie about a volcano,” chances are most of you think “Oh, that’s Volcano,” but some of you might think of Dante’s Peak. Why Hollywood thought the public needed two choices of eruption-based horror at the same theater is beyond me, but my guess is that one studio hears that their rival has a film in the works, and rushes to release a better version first. Sometimes that angle pays off, sometimes it fails miserably. One thing is certain; when movies compete, there’s twice the potential for a good cry.

1. Deep Impact (competed with Armageddon)

I like rooting for the underdog, and Deep Impact was most certainly the underdog in this fight. Both films were released in 1998, and D.I. actually beat Armageddon by a few months. Unfortunately they didn’t have the mixture of Michael Bay, Bruce Willis, and Aerosmith that skyrocketed the latter film into the public eye.

When viewing D.I. as compared to Armageddon, one glaring item stands out as extremely sad: We don’t like the main character and don’t mind it when she dies. While both films somewhat have an ensemble cast, there’s always one person who stands out. For Armageddon, it’s Bruce Willis, and for D.I. it was Téa Leoni. The main difference is that Leoni introduces herself as trying to get President Morgan Freeman in trouble (not very endearing), is a jerk to her father through the film, and then dies at the end without contributing much of anything to anyone. Ask me what Bruce Willis did for us before he died? Boom, deal with that.

2. Equilibrium (competed with The Matrix)

It’s hard to believe that some people haven’t even seen Equilibrium, it’s really good. Sure, it came out three years after The Matrix, but I still consider them competition for each other. Both involve crazy fighting, trench coat fashion, and a motif of an oppressive government. The main characters (Keanu Reaves in The Matrix and Christian Bale for Equilibrium) both have to make a decision about taking or not taking a drug in order to “wake up” and see the world for what it really is. And perhaps, just perhaps, though The Matrix won the fight, it’s sequels prove that sometimes one is better than three.

Equilibrium is not about waking up from virtual reality, but rather waking up from a drug-induced lack of emotion. It’s a bit of low-hanging fruit for this article in that regard, because when they try to show that Christian is starting to feel, the cheese is in full swing. “Kill that puppy, for I am unfeeling and evil” is a quote…or not, but probably. When Christian’s lack of lack of emotion is found out by his son, there’s a tremendously powerful moment when we’re not sure if the boy will turn in his father, Orwell style. Then when the boy admits he feels too, and the two hug with a common memory of their dead wife/mother…feels.

3. Real Genius (competed with Weird Science)

Both released in 1985 (Great Scott!), both involving teen smarty-pants that invent something and then deal with the consequences, and both are really broad, waaaaacky ’80s movies. I view Real Genius as the loser of the fight because Weird Science had the awesome theme song and the TV series with Vanessa Angel.

The part of Real Genius that makes it more emotional than Weird Science (yes, I know they’re both comedies) is that the invention that goes awry for R.G. isn’t magically undone. Sure, the laser they built was used to cook a house-worth of popcorn, but it was still a laser and in the hands of the military. Once the boys from W.S. grew as people, Lisa made the bad things go away and went off to fix some other kid’s life. No amount of eating by Val Kilmer will fix what he let lose upon the world, and he knows it (though he tried his best).

4. Red Planet (competed with Mission to Mars)

Both came out in THE YEAR 2000! And both were objectively terrible. It’s really a matter of picking your poison. Do you want a bigger budget film about finding aliens on Mars and robot tornadoes and derp derp deryderp? Or would you rather a smaller film with Trinity and Val Kilmer (again?) fighting miracle bugs and stupid robots dorp dorpy drip? Honestly, how hard is it to make a good movie about Mars? Looking at you, Arnold.
Both films involved finding something magic and world-altering on Mars, but while Mission to Mars actually involved astronaut scientists making tough choices and dealing with consequences, Red Planet held the stupid stick a little too long. “Why did we bring a military robot along, doesn’t NASA have their own robots?” and “Why wouldn’t we have replaced the murder programming from the robot before taking it on a trip?” are both questions that get asked. That being said, there’s one death in Red Planet that just bothers me every time. Running low on oxygen and fearing the end, one astronaut goes Space Mad™ and falls off a cliff (or was he pushed?) then not four minutes later, everyone realizes that a remote-controlled terraforming project actually worked and there’s plenty of oxygen on Mars now. So all the crazy ways one can die in space, and this guy just falls down a hill. I…I just can’t.

5. The Prestige (competed with The Illusionist)

Remember when magic was a thing? 2006 does, because both these films about magicians came out at the same time. One had Christian Bale (who evidently loves dueling films) and Hugh Jackman, the other had Edward Norton and Paul Giamatti. I think more people preferred the spectacle and David “Tesla” Bowie factor of The Prestige, but The Illusionist was the better old-timey magician movie because it didn’t dip into the “maybe there IS magic” well that Tesla represented.

Why does The Prestige make us cry? Depends on who you rooted for, Batman or Wolverine. If you’re a Batman man, then you’ll be sad that because Hugh Jackman won’t admit his trick, Christian Bale had to watch his twin brother to die. If you root for Woverine, you cry at the idea that every time he uses his patented Tesla duplication device, a version of himself drowns in a box every time he does the trick. The respect/hatred that these two men had for each other led to death on both sides, and with Alfred narrating…oh man. I gotta watch that movie again right now.

Like what you see? Secure enough in your masculinity for more? Check out more Guy Cry Cinema or watch Dan on No Right Answer, the weekly debate show that knows what’s really important: Pointlessly arguing about geek culture.