DISCLAIMER: This is not a series dedicated to proving men shouldn’t cry, or to suggest ONLY women cry and are therefore inferior. The goal of this series is to dispel the pre-established (yet flawed) notion that being “manly” and being disconnected from your emotions go hand-in-hand. Even the most macho of men enjoy and even shed a tear at films, and the sooner we can admit that the sooner the concept that one sex is better than the other can go away. While the approach to these articles is one of light-hearted comedy, the emotional core is valid. While men might be more hesitant to admit it, movies often times have the potential to make us cry, for example:
“Manly Deaths”
Oddly enough, a “Manly Death” does not have to be performed by a male. The only definition is that someone looks certain death in the eye and spits in it, then continues to spit while being utterly destroyed. Shuffling off this mortal coil with a stiff upper lip knows no gender, but it is a way to go that earns a salute from me. Sometimes a character starts out weak and unassuming, then surprises everyone by going out like a boss. Other times a character will claim they’re made of sandpaper and whisky the entire film’s runtime, and then prove it to be true as they meet their end with their head held high. The tears that come from these scenes and these movies are not ones of sadness, but rather of pride and comradery. We stand with these brave souls, and wish them god speed.
1. Aliens: Vasquez
Right off the bat and a woman is on the list of manly deaths? It’s almost as if this list isn’t sexist! If Alien was about reactionary horror, Aliens is about the half-cocked machismo of a counter -attack. These commandoes think that since they’ve killed humans they’re fully trained to kill a brood of acid-blood nightmare monsters. How’d that work out for ya?
Not well, if the fate of Vasquez and Borman are any indication. Borman was fresh from the academy, and his booksmarts quickly failed him when out in the field. This article would run quite long listing all the failures that Borman had, the inverse is true of Vasquez. She’s introduced as confident and macho, and never waivers. From her awesome gun rig that’s almost bigger than she is to her way of antagonizing her team, Vasquez is macho to the max (what is this, the 80’s?) When her and Borman get surrounded by the aliens, the two go out with a grenade taking as many out as they can. Like. A. Boss.
2. Fellowship of the Rings: Boromir
Poor Sean Bean. The joke is that he dies in every movie he’s in (and most TV shows as well) but not all deaths are alike. In Lord of the Rings Sean plays the weak-willed Boromir, a man tempted by the one ring to the point that he’s looked down upon by the other questers. Oh that weak Boromir, don’t leave him alone with Frodo. But when the orcs attacked and push came to shove, Boromir did what needed to be done.
Fighting off orcs is one thing. Fighting off orcs with an arrow in your chest the size of a tree branch is another. Fighting off orcs with SEVERAL tree-branch sized arrows in your chest is a thing of legend. The baddie was prepared to fire a super-arrow at point blank range right at Sean’s head JUST TO STOP THIS GUY! That, good friends, is how you redeem yourself.
3. 300: Leonidas
This entire film is manly. It’s rare for a guy not to have a six pack, and even rarer for any male to wear a shirt. Muscles and dirt and sweat…good god was this a porno? NO, it’s a hyper-secure in your masculinity awesome-fest, and even has Sarah Conner/Queen Cersi in the background stabbing bad guys and frowning for good measure. With an entire movie dedicated to how badass the 300 Spartans were, it’s no wonder their leader’s final breath would be on this list.
Leonidas fights with his men so ferociously they stave off numbers 100X greater than themselves for days. When their time finally came, Leonidas looked at his fallen comrades and decided he’d rather die fighting than bow to the Persian tyrant. His final spear throw, not killing the god king but proving he’s human. The shear amount of arrows sticking out of Leonidas’ chest after this was a physical representation of how much energy the enemy had to expend to kill this man. Just…so manly.
4. Jaws: Quint
Jaws may not seem the obvious choice because it’s a bit older, but it set a lot of rules that cinema still works with. Plus it invented the pull-zoom which is awesome.
Introducing himself as a shark-killing expert, Quint was the tough-as-nails grizzled old-timer that every monster killing adventure needs. Many times modern movies will show a character such as this, only to dilute his awesomeness throughout the film and prove the newer, less experienced crewmembers to be better. Not old Quint. He snarls and projects pure hate at the shark throughout, and when the animal jumps on his boat and starts to eat him, does Quint give up? NO QUINT DOES NOT GIVE UP! He stabs the shark while simultaneously being eaten by it. QUINT! YOU’RE MY BOY, QUINT! YOU STAB THAT SHARK, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!
5. Terminator 2: Ahhhnold
I had to wrestle this 5th spot between the Terminator and the half-Vulcan, but ultimately Spock was disqualified. Even though Spock’s death stands as one of the most powerful cinematic deaths ever filmed (drops mic), Spock did perform a save-game with Bones right before sacrificing himself. It’s an asterisk at most, but it tipped the vote.
As for Arnold Shvatszinhoofer, we have him defining manly and macho throughout the film. Linda Hamilton then out macho’s him, and then he out macho’s her. It was a cold war of macho.
In the end, Ahhyynnoold knows he needs to destroy himself to ensure his kind are never created (that worked out perfectly, didn’t it?). It’s not the self-sacrifice that made him macho, and it’s not that he goes out without whining (he’s a robot, after all), it’s the gesture he gives John as he’s melting. A simple thumbs up, signifying not only that the time they’ve spent together meant something to him, but that everything was going to be OK. Powerful, simply, emotional, and manly.
Like what you see? Secure enough in your masculinity for more? Check out more Guy Cry Cinema or watch Dan on No Right Answer, the weekly debate show that knows what’s really important: Pointlessly arguing about geek culture.
Published: May 6, 2015 04:30 pm