You hate life.
Sure, you saved the world from being turned into the evil realm, but now you can’t even save yourself from public school. Slouching low in your hard school desk, you stare at the fake wooden surface, praying the teacher won’t call on you.
“Lincoln?” she says, even though she knows you hate your real name, “can you summarize the 1168 Treaty of Hyrule?”
No, you can’t. Can she save the kingdom by taking down the legendary evil Ganon with a candle?
But nobody cares about the heroic deeds you did back when you were 6. A funny thing happens when you bring peace unto a land for seven whole years: people forget to worship war heroes. It’ll still be three long years until you use the Ocarina of Time to beat Ganon and return order to Hyrule. Also, nobody remembers this incredible future, except you. You’re convinced the rules of time travel simply work in whatever way hurts you the most.
“Lincoln?” The sound hurts your ears.
You stand up and walk towards the door, to the shock of the entire class. Fortunately, before the teacher can assign you detention in the school’s dungeon, the recess bell rings.
During breaks, you’ve taken to playing your flute alone. It’s not that you don’t want friends, just once word gets around that you’ve slain the most villainous monsters, one of two things happens. Either everyone is too afraid to approach you, or people want to pick a fight. You know how pro athletes complain they can’t go anywhere without someone wanting to fight them to see how tough they are? Well imagine that you’ve bested every demon in the country, and the only place you can go is Junior Hyrule High School.
You are in the middle of composing what you consider to be your greatest flute song: a series of three notes repeated over and over, when your heart leaps into your throat. Up walks your only companion, Aldez. For some reason, she never treated you like you were special. Just the sight of her green hair and long, pointy ears causes you to exhale deeply, causing a trill on the flute.
Before Aldez can say, “Hello,” the clouds part. A giant twister, almost as high as your three-foot-high head, comes roaring down at the playground, straight towards you and Aldez.
Grabbing hold of Aldez, you attempt to lift her up and out of harm’s way. But your newest arch-enemey, puberty, causes your gangly legs to trip. Crashing into Aldez, you knock her down hard onto the concrete. The tornado goes by inches away from you, ruffling your hair lightly.
You turn, hoping to be greeted by a grateful crush. However, she is slow to get up, having skinned her knees and banged her elbow quite badly. Moving to help her up, Aldez waves you off while giving you a nasty look. The ground trembles, you hear galloping hooves. Looking up, you see a wildly grinning Ganondorf astride a black steed. Ganondorf’s ginger hair is slicked back, revealing a pimply weasel face. Leaning down, he swoops up Aldez. You barely have time to react as he charges towards you.
You grab Aldez by her thin shoulders. At first, you intend to pull her to safety. However, your years of emotional suffering cause you to take pause. You are tired of this world, where you are too big to use a slingshot, but still not big enough to wield a hookshot. You resolve to plunge into the tornado, letting it take you to another realm, which is fortunate because the tornado bears down on you at that moment.
You are spun around so fast your neck cracks. Lifted high into the air, you and Aldez are lifted off the ground…
… and deposited back onto the Earth hard. Picking yourself up, you help Aldez to her feet, then look around.
With a gasp, you realize all of this is familiar. It’s Hyrule, alright, but Hyrule from seven years ago. Here was where you completed your first quest, you are sure of it. Mainly because of your utter inability to look up.
Planning to reveal your heroics in a boastful manner, you open your mouth to speak. But before you can let out a word, Aldez begins to scream and struggle. You realize she must be fighting the invisible force known as Ganon. Looking around for a weapon, you spy your trusty candle, bow and silver arrows lying under a nearby bush.
Raising your flute to your pursed lips, you quickly blow out the series of notes required for a great wind. Another tornado comes spinning towards you and Ganondorf. Unfortunately, it scoops you off of the ground and leaves Aldez and her captor untouched. You hear his squeaky, baritone laughter as you are carried up into the clouds.
You touch down at the Kakariko village trailer park. Citizens are flung shrieking into the air along with their homes. You manage to force your way out of the wrecking wind and hide safely in a hole in the ground.
But soon, word of your deeds reaches Hyrule castle, and a search party is sent out to find you. You are soon captured, and tried for summoning the deadly force of nature. Found guilty, you are forced to work in the Goron rock-breaking mines for 15 years. Eventually, Ganon appears and takes over the kingdom, but you are just too depressed to stand up to him.
Everyone always laughed at you for rolling everywhere instead of walking. But, today it pays off as you execute a deft maneuver around the horse. Hoisting yourself up by its tail, you struggle to knock Ganondorf off his mount. The fight goes on for several minutes, as the horse transports you to a different part of Hyrule. You see the twisted, menacing walls of Ganondorf’s castle looming in the distance. Ganondorf gains the upper hand as his steed gallops towards the fortress. But just as the horse approaches the drawbridge, Ganondorf manages to knock you to the ground. You chase after him on foot, but stop short at the moat under the rising drawbridge.
You grab the burning hunk of red wax, and attempt to hurl it behind Aldez. Unfortunately, your meaty hands swallow the entire candle, causing a huge burn. Screaming, you throw the candle short, lighting Aldez on fire. She screams and gives you another dirty look. Ganondorf, who is holding Aldez, is also lit on fire. He rolls on the ground, moaning in agony. Now is your chance to attack.
Grabbing the bow and arrow, you take aim behind Zelda. But the bow is too small for you, especially after your recent painful growth spurt. You release, but the arrow flies off to the side. You grab another silver arrow, and swing it like a dagger, wildly trying to hit Ganon. Unfortunately, your bony legs tangle up, and you fall chest-first onto the business end of the silver arrow.
You long jump into the calm waters. Splashing around, you decide to dive for a five-rupee gem on the bottom. Unfortunately, a sea Octorok patrols the moat, and it chomps you down for lunch.
Running alongside the moat, you follow a path which winds to the right of Ganondorf’s castle. Although the path ends at a high wall before you can find a way across, you do see a huge crack in the castle wall. A sign next to it reads, “Do Not Nuclear Bomb this Crack.”
“Oh, hello!” a high-pitched voice chirps in your ear. A fairy has alighted on your shoulder, “Can I join you?”
You open your mouth to tell her to buzz off. It’s nothing personal, but every time you hang out with someone like that, everyone in Junior Hyrule High School calls you “fairy boy.” The fairy must have read your intentions, because she continues before you can speak.
“Please,” she pleads, “I got kicked out of my fountain for inventing new explosives.”
This changes your mind, you nod your approval. “Great,” she exclaims, “What next?”
You pull out your oak sword, mad that you don’t have anything heavier. Blame the public school system and their stupid metal detectors. You swing at Ganon’s burning form, landing a solid blow. Unfortunately, this lights your sword on fire. You wave it wildly in the air, hoping it will go out. An ember lands on you, sending your green tunic aflame. Screaming, you attempt to remove it, but the heat is just too much. Falling on the ground, you burn to death.
Now that he’s on fire, you know the right way to put Ganon down. Grabbing your weapon, you draw back an arrow before you realize how small the bow feels in your hands. It’s been years since you used it, and shooting straight is no longer ingrained in your muscles. You take several shots at the burning and now visible Ganon, but he is able to drag Aldez into a nearby lake. Blaze extinguished, Ganon flies off towards Death Mountain on the horizon. Catching your breath, you consider your next move.
“Ah, yes” bubbles the fairy, “the magical nuclear bomb. To make one, we need to combine the three crystals, red, blue, and green. Which would you like to get first?
Hoping to harness the power of the winds, you gesture at your instrument.
“Hmmm, a flute? I was mainly trained on the electric ocarina, but I guess I can give it a shot. Play this.” The fairy hums a series of notes. Copying them perfectly on your flute, you soon feel your stomach growing warm. The fairy looks around, “Hmmm, I thought that was the summon fairy spell. I wonder what happened.”
Your stomach heat grows from an uncomfortable pain to a sharp burn. You open your mouth to scream, but only a puff of smoke comes out. A sharp, sizzling noise is the last thing you hear before you blow up. The fairy tries to revive your scattered pieces, but fails.
You are on the side of Death Mountain, boulders bounce down at alarming speeds. Passages lead up, down, east, and west.
– Go east
– Climb up
Cackling maniacally, you set fire to all of the trees in the area. Amidst the smokey haze, you spot a hole that has been opened by your pyromancy. You dive down the hole, looking for refuge from the choking air, and find yourself in a cozy chamber. A creepy old man is standing there. He greets you nonchalantly.
“Hello, young boy. Would you like a strange potion to drink? How about some gambling games? Perhaps you have enough experience to handle my giant sharp sword?”
His words seem innocent enough, but there’s something about him that makes you feel uneasy.
You open your mouth, intending to say red, but again the fairy cuts you off. “I can see it from the fire in your eyes, you want that red crystal. “This way.” The fairy leads you a long way until finally you are at the edge of an enormous cliff. So enormous, that when you inch over and peer down, your view is obscured by clouds.
“Over there!” hollers the fairy. You peer into the distance and see a giant red gem twinkling in the distance. It hovers above a tiny column. “Use the hookshot!” exclaims the fairy.
Not being able to even lift, much less operate a hookshot with your long skinny arms, you shrug. You don’t even own a hookshot. Your thoughts are blasted away by the roar of an enormous, segmented worm. The worm slithers up the column with the red gem. With a burst of energy it flops onto the cliff edge right next to your feet, stretching its body over the gap.
After thinking for a while, you are about to tell the fairy you want the blue crystal when she flaps her wings excitedly and shouts, “let’s go swimming!”
You can barely get to your feet and run after her before she has plunged into the a nearby river. You dive in after her. The current sweeps you both up and into a dark bog. Sloshing ashore, your gaze is caught by a glimmering blue jewel in the middle of the swamp. You decide to venture back into the creepy swamp after the jewel, because that’s totally dark. You are almost within arm’s grasp of the jewel, when a giant eyeball rears it’s ugly eye from the swamp. A huge cluster of eyeballs joins it, and a bolt of lightning flashes from the iris, heading straight towards you.
Pointing to your tunic is all that needs to be done for the fairy to know that you want to chase after the green emerald. The fairy flies into a nearby woods, you follow closely.
“There it is!” exclaims the fairy. You look up a large tree, and see a glimmering green gem in its leaves. Grabbing the lower branches, you climb up the tree until you are just a few branches away from the gem. Suddenly, a flash of blue knocks you out of the tree. You tumble down to the ground. Bruised and battered, you look up and see a huge angry moth hovering around the gem.
You are on the side of Death Mountain, boulders bounce down at alarming speeds. Passages lead up, down, east, and west.
– Go east
– Climb up
It’s strange that a creepy old man would live under a tree and just happen to want to hang out with you, sure. But this isn’t like when your parents warned you, “Don’t get into a strangers van because they say they have heart containers.” You quaff the potion, which leaves you feeling quite warm, and begin to gamble with the old guy.
Four hours later, you’ve had six red potions and can barely see straight. The old man keeps trying to explain how you owe him 15,000 rupees for a “door repair charge,” but his words seem slurred and hard to understand. You wake up the next morning, both of your kidneys missing.
You feel certain that you’ve stumbled upon the perfect crime: murdering an old man who lives underneath a tree. Drawing your sword, you thrust a strong blow straight into his midsection. Your sword charges with energy, your whole arm tingles. A blast of electricity knocks you against the earthen wall. Without moving, the old man begins shooting fireballs at you. As the flames engulf you, you come to the ironic realization that you had dreamt of returning to this ancient Hyrule for years.
In school that day, you had planned a mass cherry bombing in the faculty toilets. So you have quite a large amount of the explosive on you. Lighting the largest cherry bomb’s fuse, you carefully plan your strike. Finally, the worm rears its body up and roars. You toss the bomb in its open mouth. The explosive blows its head off. You are thrilled for one brief moment before the body of the worm falls on you, pulverizing every bone in your body.
You nimbly scramble up the worm’s back. Grabbing the red gem feels anti-climactic, so you loudly hum an upbeat sequence of notes. The worm wags its tail, sending you flying. You land, bruised but okay, near Ganondorf’s castle. Stashing the red gem near the “Do Not Bomb” sign, the fairy finally catches up to you.
“Where to now?” she coos.
Pulling out your trusted shield, you plan on absorbing the lightning, or at least reflecting it back at the beast. What you don’t plan on is your metal shield serving as a conductive rod which centers the lightning right on you, frying you to a crisp in seconds.
You spring into the swamp, narrowly avoiding the lightning’s tines. Slogging to your feet, you notice the main eyeball is flashing.
Loading an arrow, you draw back your bow. However, the moth is quick, and it easily swoops away from your shot. Before you can reload, the moth descends upon you, covering you with all kinds of gross moth digestive fluids. The moth watches you digest in agony, then eats what is left.
Pulling your still-burning candle from your pocket causes the moth to shy away in fear. Moving swiftly, you light fire to the large tree it uses for cover. Four-hundred years worth of wood goes up in a quick blaze. Before the moth can react, the flames engulf it. It perishes within seconds. The green gem comes tumbling down, landing at your feet. Picking it up, you raise the crystal high in the air to catch the sun’s light.
“Hooray!” squeals the fairy, “Only two more to go!”
You are on the side of Death Mountain, boulders bounce down at alarming speeds. Passages lead up, down, east, and west.
– Go east
– Climb up
You are on the side of Death Mountain, boulders bounce down at alarming speeds. Passages lead up, down, east, and west.
– Go east
– Climb up
You are on the Side of Death mountain, boulders bounce down at alarming speeds. Passages lead up, down, east, and west.
– Go east
– Climb up
You awkwardly draw your bow, cursing the recent growth spurt which made all of your weapons hard to handle. In fact, your skills are at bottom because you can’t even fire an arrow four feet in front of you. The eye shoots out another lightning bolt, this one hits you square in the forehead. Believe it or not, getting hit by a lightning bolt square in the forehead causes death.
You reach for your bow, but then think better of it. None of your weapons fits right, anymore. With a psychotic scream, you pull an arrow from your quiver and charge the eyeball beast. Jumping on top, you stab the flashing eye repeatedly, until there is nothing left but a mess of eye goop. Tossing the arrow aside, you retrieve the blue crystal. You hold it aloft, but the swamp doesn’t let in enough sunlight to make it gleam, and besides the gem looks really dirty.
“Great!” squawks the fairy, “Which gem should we get next?”
You hoist yourself onto a plateau high above the mountain. A spectacular waterfall crashes by you, rushing down the face of the cliff. On a ledge just above your head, Ganondorf struggles with Aldez. He pushes her towards the rushing water, the only thing stopping her from going over the edge is her grip around a boulder.
After thinking for a while, you are about to tell the fairy you want the blue crystal when she flits excitedly and shouts, “Let’s go swimming!”
You can barely get to your feet and run after her before she has plunged into the a nearby river. You dive in. The current sweeps you both up and into a dark bog. Sloshing ashore, your gaze is caught by a glimmering blue jewel in the middle of the swamp. You decide to venture back into the creepy swamp after the jewel, because that makes you feel dark. You are almost within arm’s grasp of the jewel, when a giant eyeball rears it’s ugly eye from the swamp. A huge cluster of eyeballs joins it, and a bolt of lightning flashes from the iris, heading straight towards you.
Pulling out your trusted shield, you plan on absorbing the lightning, or at least reflecting it back at the beast. What you don’t plan on is your metal shield serving as a conductive rod which centers the lightning right on you, frying you to a crisp in seconds.
You spring into the swamp, narrowly avoiding the lightning’s tines. Slogging to your feet, you notice the main eyeball is flashing.
You awkwardly draw your bow, cursing the recent growth spurt which made all of your weapons hard to handle. In fact, your skills are at bottom because you can’t even fire an arrow four feet in front of you. The eye shoots out another lightning bolt, this one hits you square in the forehead. Believe it or not, getting hit by a lightning bolt square in the forehead causes death.
You reach for your bow, but then think better of it. None of your weapons fits right, anymore. With a psychotic scream, you pull an arrow from your quiver and charge the eyeball beast. Jumping on top, you stab the flashing eye repeatedly, until there is nothing left but a mess of eye goop. Tossing the arrow aside, you retrieve the blue crystal. You hold it aloft, but the swamp doesn’t let in enough sunlight to make it gleam, and besides the gem looks really dirty.
“Great!” squawks the fairy, “one more gem to go!”
The fairy flies into a nearby woods, you follow closely.
“There it is!” exclaims the fairy. You look up a large tree, and see a glimmering green gem in its eaves. Grabbing the lower branches, you climb up the tree until you are just a few branches away from the gem. Suddenly, a flash of blue knocks you out of the tree. You tumble down to the ground. Bruised and battered, you look up and see a huge angry moth hovering around the gem.
Loading an arrow, you draw back your bow. However, the moth is quick, and it easily swoops away from your shot. Before you can reload, the moth descends upon you, covering you with all kinds of gross moth digestive fluids. The moth watches you digest in agony, then eats what is left.
Pulling your still-burning candle from your pocket causes the moth to shy away in fear. Moving swiftly, you light fire to the large tree it uses for cover. Four-hundred years worth of wood goes up in a quick blaze. Before the moth can react, the flames engulf it. It perishes within seconds. The green gem comes tumbling down, landing at your feet. Picking it up, you raise the crystal high in the air to catch the sun’s light.
“Hooray!” squeals the fairy, “we have everything we need for a big explosion!”
The fairy flies into a nearby woods, you follow closely.
“There it is!” exclaims the fairy. You look up a large tree, and see a glimmering green gem in its eaves. Grabbing the lower branches, you climb up the tree until you are just a few branches away from the gem. Suddenly, a flash of blue knocks you out of the tree. You tumble down to the ground. Bruised and battered, you look up and see a huge angry moth hovering around the gem.
Loading an arrow, you draw back your bow. However, the moth is quick, and it easily swoops away from your shot. Before you can reload, the moth descends upon you, covering you with all kinds of gross moth digestive fluids. The moth watches you digest in agony, then eats what is left.
Pulling your still-burning candle from your pocket causes the moth to shy away in fear. Moving swiftly, you light fire to the large tree it uses for cover. Four-hundred years worth of wood goes up in a quick blaze. Before the moth can react, the flames engulf it. It perishes within seconds. The green gem comes tumbling down, landing at your feet. Picking it up, you raise the crystal high in the air to catch the sun’s light.
“Hooray!” squeals the fairy, “Only the blue remains!”
The fairy flies into a nearby woods, you follow closely.
“There it is!” exclaims the fairy. You look up a large tree, and see a glimmering green gem in its eaves. Grabbing the lower branches, you climb up the tree until you are just a few branches away from the gem. Suddenly, a flash of blue knocks you out of the tree. You tumble down to the ground. Bruised and battered, you look up and see a huge angry moth hovering around the gem.
Loading an arrow, you draw back your bow. However, the moth is quick, and it easily swoops away from your shot. Before you can reload, the moth descends upon you, covering you with all kinds of gross moth digestive fluids. The moth watches you digest in agony, then eats what is left.
Pulling your still-burning candle from your pocket causes the moth to shy away in fear. Moving swiftly, you light fire to the large tree it uses for cover. Four-hundred years worth of wood goes up in a quick blaze. Before the moth can react, the flames engulf it. It perishes within seconds. The green gem comes tumbling down, landing at your feet. Picking it up, you raise the crystal high in the air to catch the sun’s light.
“Hooray!” squeals the fairy, “Just the red gem remains!”
You awkwardly draw your bow, cursing the recent growth spurt which made all of your weapons hard to handle. In fact, your skills are at bottom because you can’t even fire an arrow four feet in front of you. The eye shoots out another lightning bolt, this one hits you square in the forehead. Believe it or not, getting hit by a lightning bolt square in the forehead causes death.
You reach for your bow, but then think better of it. None of your weapons fits right, anymore. With a psychotic scream, you pull an arrow from your quiver and charge the eyeball beast. Jumping on top, you stab the flashing eye repeatedly, until there is nothing left but a mess of eye goop. Tossing the arrow aside, you Retrieve the blue crystal. You hold it aloft, but the swamp doesn’t let in enough sunlight to make it gleam, and besides the gem looks really dirty.
“Great!” squawks the fairy, “Let’s go back to the castle and blow that wall!”
You dive into a nearby river, your fairy companion following. The current sweeps you both up and into a dark bog. Sloshing ashore, your gaze is caught by a glimmering blue jewel in the middle of the swamp. You decide to venture back into the creepy swamp after the jewel, because that makes you totally dark. You are almost within arm’s grasp of the jewel,when a giant eyeball rears it’s ugly eye from the swamp. A huge cluster of eyeballs joins it, and a bolt of lightning flashes from the iris, heading straight towards you.
Pulling out your trusted shield, you plan on absorbing the lightning, or at least reflecting it back at the beast. What you don’t plan on is your metal shield serving as a conductive rod which centers the lightning right on you, frying you to a crisp in seconds.
You spring into the swamp, narrowly avoiding the lightning’s tines. Slogging to your feet, you notice the main eyeball is flashing.
You awkwardly draw your bow, cursing the recent growth spurt which made all of your weapons hard to handle. In fact, your skills are at bottom because you can’t even fire an arrow four feet in front of you. The eye shoots out another lightning bolt, this one hits you square in the forehead. Believe it or not, getting hit by a lightning bolt square in the forehead causes death.
You reach for your bow, but then think better of it. None of your weapons fits right, anymore. With a psychotic scream, you pull an arrow from your quiver and charge the eyeball beast. Jumping on top, you stab the flashing eye repeatedly, until there is nothing left but a mess of eye goop. Tossing the arrow aside, you Retrieve the blue crystal. You hold it aloft, but the swamp doesn’t let in enough sunlight to make it gleam, and besides the gem looks really dirty.
“Great!” squawks the fairy, “Let’s go back to the castle and blow that wall!”
You reach for your bow, but then think better of it. None of your weapons fits right, anymore. With a psychotic scream, you pull an arrow from your quiver and charge the eyeball beast. Jumping on top, you stab the flashing eye repeatedly, until there is nothing left but a mess of eye goop. Tossing the arrow aside, you Retrieve the blue crystal. You hold it aloft, but the swamp doesn’t let in enough sunlight to make it gleam, and besides the gem looks really dirty.
“Great!” squawks the fairy, “Let’s go back to the castle and blow that wall!”
“This way.” The fairy leads you a long way until finally you are at the edge of an enormous cliff. So enormous, that when you inch over and peer down, your view is obscured by clouds.
“Over there!” hollers the fairy. You peer into the distance and see a giant red gem twinkling in the distance. It hovers above a tiny column. “Use the hookshot!” exclaims the fairy.
Not being able to even lift, much less operate a hookshot with your long skinny arms, you shrug. You don’t even own a hookshot. Your thoughts are blasted away by the roar of an enormous, segmented worm. The worm slithers up the column with the red gem. With a burst of energy it flops onto the cliff edge right next to your feet, stretching its body over the gap.
In school that day, you had planned a mass cherry bombing in the faculty toilets. So you have quite a large amount of the explosive on you. Lighting the largest cherry bomb’s fuse, you carefully plan your strike. Finally, the worm rears its body up and roars. You toss the bomb in its open mouth. The explosive blows its head off. You are thrilled for one brief moment before the body of the worm falls on you, pulverizing every bone in your body.
You nimbly scramble up the worm’s back. Grabbing the red gem feels anti-climactic, so you loudly hum an upbeat sequence of notes. The worm wags its tail, sending you flying. You land, bruised but okay, in a nearby field. The fairy finally catches up to you.
“Nice, we have all three. Let’s go blow that wall!” she coos.
“This way.” The fairy leads you a long way until finally you are at the edge of an enormous cliff. So enormous, that when you inch over and peer down, your view is obscured by clouds.
“Over there!” hollers the fairy. You peer into the distance and see a giant red gem twinkling in the distance. It hovers above a tiny column. “Use the hookshot!” exclaims the fairy.
Not being able to even lift, much less operate a hookshot with your long skinny arms, you shrug. You don’t even own a hookshot. Your thoughts are blasted away by the roar of an enormous, segmented worm. The worm slithers up the column with the red gem. With a burst of energy it flops onto the cliff edge right next to your feet, stretching its body over the gap.
In school that day, you had planned a mass cherry bombing in the faculty toilets. So you have quite a large amount of the explosive on you. Lighting the largest cherry bomb’s fuse, you carefully plan your strike. Finally, the worm rears its body up and roars. You toss the bomb in its open mouth. The explosive blows its head off. You are thrilled for one brief moment before the body of the worm falls on you, pulverizing every bone in your body.
You nimbly scramble up the worm’s back. Grabbing the red gem feels anti-climactic, so you loudly hum an upbeat sequence of notes. The worm wags its tail, sending you flying. You land, bruised but okay, near Ganondorf’s castle. The fairy finally catches up to you.
“Nice, we just need one more!” the fairy squeals
You dive into a nearby river, your fairy companion following. The current sweeps you both up and into a dark bog. Sloshing ashore, your gaze is caught by a glimmering blue jewel in the middle of the swamp. You decide to venture back into the creepy swamp after the jewel, because that makes you feel totally dark. You are almost within arm’s grasp of the jewel,when a giant eyeball rears it’s ugly eye from the swamp. A huge cluster of eyeballs joins it, and a bolt of lightning flashes from the iris, heading straight towards you.
Pulling out your trusted shield, you plan on absorbing the lightning, or at least reflecting it back at the beast. What you don’t plan on is your metal shield serving as a conductive rod which centers the lightning right on you, frying you to a crisp in seconds.
You spring into the swamp, narrowly avoiding the lightning’s tines. Slogging to your feet, you notice the main eyeball is flashing.
You awkwardly draw your bow, cursing the recent growth spurt which made all of your weapons hard to handle. In fact, your skills are at bottom because you can’t even fire an arrow four feet in front of you. The eye shoots out another lightning bolt, this one hits you square in the forehead. Believe it or not, getting hit by a lightning bolt square in the forehead causes death.
You reach for your bow, but then think better of it. None of your weapons fits right, anymore. With a psychotic scream, you pull an arrow from your quiver and charge the eyeball beast. Jumping on top, you stab the flashing eye repeatedly, until there is nothing left but a mess of eye goop. Tossing the arrow aside, you retrieve the blue crystal. You hold it aloft, but the swamp doesn’t let in enough sunlight to make it gleam, and besides the gem looks really dirty.
“Great!” squawks the fairy, “Let’s go back to the castle and blow that wall!”
“This way.” The fairy leads you a long way until finally you are at the edge of an enormous cliff. So enormous, that when you inch over and peer down, your view is obscured by clouds.
“Over there!” hollers the fairy. You peer into the distance and see a giant red gem twinkling in the distance. It hovers above a tiny column. “Use the hookshot!” exclaims the fairy.
Not being able to even lift, much less operate a hookshot with your long skinny arms, you shrug. You don’t even own a hookshot. Your thoughts are blasted away by the roar of an enormous, segmented worm. The worm slithers up the column with the red gem. With a burst of energy it flops onto the cliff edge right next to your feet, stretching its body over the gap.
In school that day, you had planned a mass cherry bombing in the faculty toilets. So you have quite a large amount of the explosive on you. Lighting the largest one, you carefully plan your strike. Finally, the worm rears its body up and roars. You toss the bomb in its open mouth. The explosive blows its head off. You are thrilled for one brief moment before the body of the worm falls on you, pulverizing every bone in your body.
You nimbly scramble up the worm’s back. Grabbing the red gem feels anti-climactic, so you loudly hum an upbeat sequence of notes. The worm wags its tail, sending you flying. You land, bruised but okay, near Ganondorf’s castle. The fairy finally catches up to you.
“Nice, we just need one more!” the fairy squeals
Gripping your sword with both hands, you jump to the ledge and lay the blade directly onto Ganon’s crown. However, it barely makes a dent, only a small trickle of green blood oozes from the gash. Ganon laughs heartily and turns his attention fully towards you. You pull your shield up, but a swing of his meaty arm is enough to send you reeling backwards. Pitching over the side of the cliff, you manage to grab onto the ledge with one hand. Ganon’s laughter grows louder, he strides towards your hanging form.
– Climb up and stab Ganon with a silver arrow
Grabbing hold of Aldez’ ankles, you yank with all your might. Aldez is unprepared for this, and comes tumbling down in a heap. You are unable to keep your balance on the small ledge, and both you and Aldez fall into the waterfall. As the acceleration tightens the knot in your stomach, you close your eyes and wait to hit the sharp rocks below. Instead of rocks, your body slaps the water’s surface hard. The pain makes you open your eyes, you are about ten feet underwater. Swimming to the surface, you cough and gasp as the waterfall splashes into your face. You make your way to the bank, hauling yourself onto the shore. Looking around, you realize things have changed. The world seems more vivid, more dimensional. You feel a weird bulge in your pocket, pulling out your flute you notice it has changed into an ocarina.
Your musings are interrupted by the screams of Aldez. On the opposite shore, Ganon is dragging her onto a nearby horse. You jump in the water and swim fast, but by the time you reach the other bank Ganon is galloping away. You are about to give chase on foot when a glint catches your eye. Just a few feet away is a stone pedestal on which sits the Master Sword. A medium-sized Master Sword that looks like it just might fit your hands. Wrapping your fingers around the hilt, you feel a surge of power rush through your arm. You remove the sword from its sheath and hold it aloft. This is the perfect sword, one which you are sure no evil can withstand.
Your moment is interrupted by a hard blow to your head. You tumble to the ground, the master sword falling from your grasp. A fierce giggling pierces your ears. Your blurry vision clears to reveal a skull kid. The skull kid cartwheels over your Master Sword, picking it up in the process. Scrambling to your feet, you run at the Skull Kid, only to receive a fierce blow from the Sword. It leaves a huge gash in your side. As you stop the bleeding and bandage the wound, Skull Kid skips into the woods with your sword.
– You’ll never stand up to the Master Sword, alone. Explore the woods
Before you can even lift your arm, Ganon’s cloven hoof comes down on the hand which holds you up. Letting go, you tumble down Death Mountain. If it’s any consolation, after you die your tumbling body manages to take out a pack of menacing Darknuts.
Reaching into your pocket for your flute, you take a deep breath and let go of the ledge. The force of your fall almost causes you to let go of the flute, but you place your mouth on the instrument and blow a quick sequence of notes. Moments before you crash onto the base of the mountain, a tornado appears and swoops you up. It takes you back up to the ledge, placing you squarely behind a confused Ganon.
You decide to power up a bit before taking on Skull Kid and his newly-pilfered Master Sword. Glancing around the woods, you notice a rock conspicuously sitting in the middle of a clearing. Taking out a cherry bomb, you blow up the rock. Clearing away the rubble you find that, sure enough, there’s a hole in the ground
Sliding down the hole lands you in the cozy abode of an old man in a red robe. He turns to you, eyes filled with hate. “Pay me 30 rupees for door repair!” He screams.
You wonder how a rock can cost 30 rupees. No matter, you indicate that you don’t have any money, having just traveled through time and all
“That’s okay,” the old man chirps, “you can make it up working at my store.” You readily agree, without realizing that the man’s store is behind a rock wall. With absolutely no way for customers to access the store, you spent the rest of your life waiting behind a counter.
Apparently, Skull Kid has underestimated your ability to navigate woods, as he saunters off at a leisurely pace. One that is easy to match for a child of the forest: a few swinging vines later and you land face-to-face with the sword stealing orphan.
“Haha, you cannot beat me,” he shrieks maniacally, “for you have not summoned the four gods of the four elements of the four temples.”
– Close your eyes and summon the four gods of the four elements of the four temples
Moving as quickly as you can, you lunge towards Ganon, pulling an arrow from your quiver. Before the head of your silver weapon can pierce Ganon’s hard flesh, he whirls around with incredible speed. Serendipitously, this causes your silver arrow to plunge directly into the center of his chest. Roaring in agony, Ganon falls to the ground, dissolving into a pile of green goop. Ecstatic, you give the pile a hearty kick, coating your boot in evil pig-thing blood.
A scream disrupts your psychotic revelry. You look up to see Aldez slipping from her hold on the boulder. You dive to catch her, but fall short. She plunges hundreds of feet into the waterfall pool below. You stand near the edge, waiting for her to come up so you can dive down and save her. When she doesn’t come up for several minutes, you plunge into the icy waters below. They aren’t too deep, the downward force of the waterfall helps you easily search the bottom. But you find no trace of Aldez.
The next 315 years of your elven life, i.e all of your remaining years, are bittersweet. You relish finally being transported back to the greatest moment in your childhood. But is this all worth sacrificing knowing Aldez? It’s like when a Genie gives you one wish, and you wish for a billion rupees. Then the genie gives you one billion rupees, but your wallet can only hold 99.
THE END
You have defeated Ganon! Great job, but this is only one of five endings. The best ending is still out there.
– Restart
You thrust your sword at the middle of Ganon’s spine. But, just before you pierce his warty flesh, Ganon whirls around and knocks your sword out of your hands. It tumbles down the cliff and oout of sight. You look back at Ganon, giving a sheepish shrug. He fires a green ball of energy which melts your face.
Ganon roars with agony. His hard hide is no match for Zelda’s flamethrower. After he fries to a crisp, the princess turns the flame onto you.
Rather than talk to the pesky fairy, which you have found useless in past encounters, you decide to stare at it, angrily. You suspect that it will go away on its own if you are hostile enough. Several hours later, the fairy is still happily fluttering around, and you are starting to feel your eyeballs hemorrhage. You are just about to announce that the fairy can come with you, when you spot a movement in the shadows. There, a short, blue potbellied creature stretches her arms and yawns. Her golden hair catches the sun for a moment. Before you have time to hide, she spots you.
“Hello,” she giggles, “I was just coming to fight Ganondorf, when I got so sleepy.”
Thrilled to have an ally, you start to ask her about Ganondorf’s location, when she interrupts, “You have to get out of here.”
With a wave of her hand, you find yourself transported to a meadow at twilight. In the distance, you can see the sun setting on Ganondorf’s castle. Suddenly, the castle explodes with an enormous burst of light. You cower behind your really, really oversized shield as hunks of stone rain down all around you. Finally, debris stops falling. Rising to your feet, you hear horsehooves pounding, they are coming towards you. From the castle you make out a shadow, as it comes closer the shadow forms into Ganondorf astride a black horse. He reaches the field, then charges straight at you, sword poised to strike.
Raising your shield, you brace yourself for what will no doubt be a critical blow. Ganondorf, roaring with laughter, arcs his gleaming sword straight through your shield like he was slicing butter. One sharp thrust later, and you are wearing Ganondorf’s sword as a pacemaker.
You toss yourself on the ground and somersault away, narrowly avoiding Ganon’s sword. Pouncing to your feet, you circle away from Ganon, pondering your next move.
“Link!” You hear a familiar voice cry out. Zelda comes running into the clearing on the other side of Ganon. She pulls out a bow and arrows which gleam bright yellow.
– Keep Ganondorf as far away from Zelda as possible
Hoping to save Zelda, you dash into the nearby desert. Ganondorf turns his horse and gallops after you. Ducking behind a sand dune, you attempt to hide by burying yourself in sand. Unfortunately, it works so well that neither Ganondorf nor his horse see you. As the metal horse hoof smashes down on your face, your last thoughts are that Princess Zelda doesn’t stand a chance.
Hoping that perhaps Zelda has found a weapon that will stun Ganondorf, you run in her direction. However, your little legs are no match for the strong strides of Ganondorf’s horse. He bears down on you, plunging his sword into you like he was stabbing a piece of cheese with a toothpick.
Busting out your flute, you blow a sweet riff. A familiar beast plunges into the clearing at full gallop: it’s your loyal horse. You climb aboard the dashing steed just as Ganondorf bears down upon you.
Hoping to utilize her strong archery skills (also developed due to the restrictions of public school metal detectors), you head towards Zelda. Ganon gallops after you. True enough, Zelda draws her bow and plugs an arrow straight into Ganon’s chestplate. He loses his balance and topples to the ground.
Jumping down, you run at Ganondorf. Swinging your sword with both hands you strike Ganondorf’s crown with a satisfying crack. Ganondorf collapses, stunned. A bright light makes you look up, the sun has come out. Birds flutter by, chirping merrily. All of the elves in the forest dance and sing around you and Zelda. You now realize that Princess Zelda is the same person as your friend Aldez.
“Thank you, brave boy,” she says, obviously unaware that you sit two seats behind her in algebra.
Turning your horse deftly, you gallop towards the wounded form of Ganondorf. Baring your teeth, you and your sword for right between his beady eyes. Unfortunately, you aren’t the first adventurer to have this idea. In fact, Ganondorf had so many swords thrusted towards his face, he had an iron plate installed behind his nose. Although the force of the blow knocks Ganondorf unconscious, you lose control and tumble under your horse’s legs. Epona accidentally crushes your skull. The act is a breaking point for her. Torn by grief, Epona spends the rest of her days in an insane asylum for horses. You, however, spend the rest of your days oozing your brains out of your skull. Well, not really “days” so much as “a few painful, agonizing seconds.”
Struggling to scoop Zelda into your arms, you manage a few trembling steps before her weight causes you to fall down. This makes it easy for Ganondorf, who has recovered thanks to a fairy in a bottle, to slice both your heads off.
Pushing several twirling elves aside, you stride up to the prone body of Ganondorf. The crowd stops their revelry and gasps as you plunge your sword through Ganondorf’s skull. Since your sword is made of wood, this takes several dozen attempts. Placing your foot on his head, you pry your gore-smeared sword from his noggin. Realizing you are done mutilating the body, everyone cautiously resumes reveling. Grabbing Zelda by the hand, you walk through the woods for several hours, before you realize that neither of you knows where you are going. You wander around for several days, but the woods seems to extend infinitely in every direction. Trapped in the Lost Woods, you and the princess spend the next seven decades trying to survive in a barebones treehouse. You get along amicably enough, but her resentment towards you for getting lost keeps the two of you from ever achieving intimacy. You die a lonely, bitter old man, a hero in a land with no humans.
THE END
But this is not the best ending. There are four other endings to achieve.
Trudging up to the crack in the castle wall, you pull out the three gems.
“Great,” chirps your fairy friend, “now take the blue and red gems and combine them, then crack open the green gem and pour it on the other two. The green gem contains plutonium.”
You follow her orders, and soon you have a very unstable, very volatile set of chemicals. Ducking behind a nearby tree, you cast an explode spell on the gems. The resulting explosion sends you flying through the woods, as a mushroom cloud plumes into the Hyrulian sky. Interestingly, radiation from the resulting fallout will eventually mutate the forest critters into the montstrous beasts you will be fighting in later adventures.
Dusting yourself off, you notice the crack has given way to a gaping hole. Entering Ganondorf’s castle, you find yourself in an ornate torch-lit throne room. The entire room is made of human bones, from the walls to the chandelier. Torches fashioned from femurs line the room. Sitting on the throne is the large piggish form of Ganondorf. He stands, casually, as you draw your sword and charge at him. With a wave of his hand you find yourself in the dark, slashing your sword at thin air.
Spitting fire at all corners, you manage to get most of the torches relit. Though the shadows are quite long, there is enough light for you to spy Ganondorf’s hulking form crouched in a corner.
Holding your sword behind yourself in a ridiculous manner, you furrow your brow. Your sword glows brighter and brighter, although the light it gives off does nothing to illuminate the room. Once your sword is glowing so brightly you can’t stand to look at it, you spin around. Your blow is impressive, embedding your sword deep into the bone-encrusted throne. However, this makes it impossible to remove. From a corner, Ganon strides over and eats your head, giggling madly as you realize that he suffers from some sort of Ed Gein-like psychosis.
In one swift maneuver, you reach behind and grab your bow while mounting an arrow in it. For some reason, it doesn’t feel awkward in your hands, anymore.
Drawing back the arrow, you aim for Ganondorf’s heart and shoot. It plunges into his chest, warming his cold heart with fire. Ganondorf screams, grabs his chest, and explodes.
Thrilled that you destroyed his evil empire, you step out of Ganondorf’s castle into the bright sunlight. Eager to boast of your feats to Aldez, you comb the castle but find nothing.
The rest of your life is bittersweet, you spend all of them in this strange part of Hyrule, unable to return thanks to a large stretch of Lost Woods between your home and Ganondorf’s castle. Although every creature in the land is aware of your deeds, these creatures are mostly limited to forest creatures which can do nothing to help you. You die a bitter, lonely old man, wondering what happened to Aldez.
THE END
But this isn’t the best ending. There are four other endings to discover.
Figuring your bow is now far too small for your man-sized hands, you grab your trusty boomerang. A deft flick of the wrist, and the blue boomerang is flying towards Gannon. It cracks him square in the forehead, a trickle of green blood runs into his eyes. Raising his hands, Gannon shoots a huge wad of lightning all over the room. One bolt shocks you square in the torso, causing your heart to burst.
Palming a nearby stone, you heft it at Skull Kid. It cracks him right in the temple, knocking his mask off. The mask tumbles to the ground, where it begins to glow with a fierce blue haze.
Suddenly, you feel your gravity shift. Looking up, you see the moon is right above the treetops.
The mask floats into the air, growing to the size of a horse. Huge tentacles grow from the sides of the mask. One of the tentacles flies towards you, whipping you in the face. As blood trickles into your eyes, the tentacles prepare for another strike.
– Cut off a tentacle with your sword
Raising your wooden sword into the air, you utter the words, “By the Power of Hyrule, I have the Power!” But nothing happens to your piddly little sword. Skull Kid rips a large tree from the ground, and throws it on top of you. The tree trunk barrels over you like a rolling pin over dough. Well, actually, more like a rolling pin over a jelly donut.
Focusing intently on the mask, you wait tensely for its next strike. When its upper right tentacle flings forward, you are ready. Hacking as hard as you can, you cleave the tentacle clear off, leaving just a wiggling stump. However the other three tentacles lash out at once, overwhelming you. Then the mask picks you up and attempts to cram you through its eyehole, just to see if its possible.
You recall a lesson taught to every Hyrulian schoolboy. “Ordinary-looking wooden arrows are super-secret technology designed by the castle’s best scientists. While useless against, well, almost everything, “wooden” arrows are engineered to take down nearly every boss. Probably by interacting with their DNA, or something.
Drawing your bow, you load an arrow and pluck the string. The arrow lands right between the eyes of the mask, which howls in pain. Rushing in, you have only a brief moment to attack the stunned costume piece.
Deciding that none of this is worth saving some girl you met in school, you pull out your flute and begin to play. The mask is intrigued by your performance, and soon grabs the flute in its tentacled grasp. Its appendages turn out to be ideal for flute-playing, and soon the mask is riffing out a melody worthy of inclusion in a symphony. Unfortunately, this model of wind-summoning flute was not intended for such rigorous use. Within minutes, the mask has summoned a class 3 hurricane which rips you away, sticking you through an oak tree several miles away.
Rushing towards the mask, you hoist your burning candle high above your head. However, the mask was only pretending to be injured: you were easily fooled because you have no idea what an injured mask looks like. With air-resistance-denying force, the mask clamps down upon your face and fuses with your skull.
You spend the rest of your life manifesting the evil demands of the mask. One by one, you pillage and burn all of the cities that you were trying to save. Cackling wildly, you hurl Aldez into the lava river of Death Mountain. Although life is never boring when your under the spell of evil, it hardly makes up for the look in a young Hyrulian’s eyes when you blow up his town. Or hurl her into a river of lava.
Running at the mask as fast as your stretch-marked legs will carry you, you draw back your carved wooden sword. The sword hits the mask with a satisfying “Thwack!” The mask vibrates slightly. Fearing your blow was useless, you search for a better weapon. Your frantic pawing through your bag is interrupted by crying. Looking up, you see large tears pouring out of the eyeholes of the mask
“Whyyyyyy did yooooou do that?” whines the Mask. You find it quite annoying, but the Mask continues, “I only wanted to play, I wasn’t going to hurt you.”
The mask stops, waiting for you to respond. After a moment, you draw back your sword and clock the mask again.
“Stooooooop it! That hurts!” shriek’s the Mask, “I’ll let you have your shiny sword if you just leave me alone.” With that, the Mask produces the Master Sword and lays it at your feet.
You can’t believe your good fortune. Picking up the sword, you feel power coursing through your arm like an electric shock. This is the Master Sword, capable of slaying Ganon, shooting beams of light, time traveling forward and backward, repelling all damage to its surface, preventing its user from turning into a wolf, and destroying magic barriers. Plus, you’ve found, it makes a really good steak knife
The voice of the forest echoes in your ears, “You control the power of time, where would you like to go?”
Deciding to leave the butterfly effect to the smoking caterpillars, you plunge the Master Sword into a nearby storage rock. Strolling through the woods, your heart swells just thinking of the adventures you can have now that you’ve decided to accept your current reality. Unfortunately, after walking for days, you realize you are hopelessly stuck in the Lost Woods (motto: “Our gift shop maps are expensive.”) Playing the wind song on your flute yields nothing. Your fairy companion tries to heal you, but fairies can’t heal someone who is dying of thirst. Your last thoughts before dehydration are general musings on the uselessness of fairies.
Lifting your sword to the sky, you point at the sun. Moving the sword towards the eastern horizon shifts the sun back to sunrise. You put the sun behind the horizon so the land is dark. Playing a flourish on your flute, you feel yourself falling. The world turns white as you cascade through the center of a spiral staircase made of clock faces.
Raising the sword high in the air, you point at the sun. Dragging the sword down makes the sun set on the horizon, soon it is night. A quick twirl of your weapon and it is day again, but things have changed.
The woods look like a decade has passed. Everywhere you walk is mucky swamp, which slows your progress to a crawl. Finally, you jump up on a tree stump to get your bearings. At first, your ability to jump independently startles you so much you fall down. When was the last time you were able to jump without first having to run to the edge of a cliff?
Enjoying your newfound ability, you jump in place for about half an hour. Finally you pause to catch your breath and decide that it’s time to explore the world, breathe the fresh air, and enjoy all of the wonderful, heartwarming sites this world has to offer.
You hop into the creepy graveyard. Sure, you could just walk, but jumping with every step just feels… less boring. Unfortunately, one of the graves is a fake. Mistakenly, you jump with both feet straight into the open grave.
After falling through a tunnel with bizarrely-striped wallpaper, you find yourself on a remote island. In front of you looms an ornate palace constructed of some mysterious blue stone. Suddenly, the large drawbridge clangs open, and a knight charges out on an iron horse.
You trudge your way up this slightly older version of Death Mountain. When you are just a few minutes from reaching the summit, a large spider jumps in front of you. You wait, expecting it to turn its vulnerable belly towards you in a rhythmic manner. When it doesn’t, you ponder your next move.
You leap in the air, shocked at your newfound ability to jump more than a story high. As the mounted knight rides underneath, you aim your sword downward. Falling onto him, you manage to stick your sword right in the small slit for his eyes. The weight of your body sends your sword clean through his skull.
Searching the dead knight’s body, you find a full-sized raft in his pocket.
Adroitly rolling past the mounted knight, you sprint into the castle. You find yourself in a room with exits on all sides, but all except the one you came in are locked. The knight, having trapped you, soon charges you, thrusting his lance straight through your neck.
You pull out your flute and play the Song of Removing Giant Spiders. You thought it was odd when the old lady taught it to you, years ago, but since it was only three notes long you decided to just learn it. It works, the spider vanishes in a puff of plot development.
Climbing to the top of the mountain, you spot a staircase descending into the middle. After a few flights you have utterly lost track of all light from outside. Igniting your candle casts a flickering blue light. The staircase descends for what feels like hours, before a blast of cold air hits you and you stumble into an enormous chamber.
The hairs on your back stand, there is electricity in the air. Suddenly, thunder forks down from above, forcing you back against a wall. A large blue bird swoops down at you, fortunately you are quick enough to stick the business end of your sword down it’s throat. It dies in a fit of choking.
From the shadows emerges… a shadow. Your shadow in fact. It draws its all black sword and raises its shield
You’ve handled dozens of large spiders, experience has taught you that your trusty arrows should do the trick. Drawing your bow, you load an arrow and fire it right between the spider’s eyes. However, it bounces off the spider’s hard hide, landing harmlessly on the ground. Dumbfounded, you stare at the arrow, confused. This gives the spider ample time to devour you.
Hoping to regroup and mount a cavalry, you launch your raft in open waters towards Hyrule Castle. As it drifts into view, the first thing that strikes you is it’s dilapidation. Entering the castle, you spot one of the many old women who roam the countryside. She gestures you forward.
“Inside this chamber sleeps the Princess Zelda. She has fallen into a deep slumber. Only retrieving the Triforce of strength can bring her back to life.”
Cautiously, you creep into the chamber. There, laid out on a bed is… Aldez! She’s a few years older than when you last saw her, but there’s no mistaking the focus of your obsessions. “Aldez is Zelda!” you exclaim. You never saw this coming. In fact, the shock of the revelation is so surprising that you have a heart attack and die on the spot.
You engage your battle stance, noting that your opponent has a similar fighting style. In fact, every blow you attempt at Dark Link is countered with an identical move. No matter how you swing your sword, you hit nothing but the cold steel of Dark Link’s own sword.
After being parried for several minutes, you begin to lose strength. Fumbling in your bag, you search for an item that might be useful. However, before you can decide, Dark Link leaps at you, neatly slicing off your skull.
If it’s any consolation, Dark Link immediately falls into a deep depression. After training his whole life to mimic your every move, he now finds himself without purpose. A long bout with self doubt and contemplated suicide is finally resolved when Dark Link forms his own emo woodwind band. However, you don’t get to enjoy their first hit single, “Downward Spiraling Flutes,” because you are dead.
Studying Dark Link, you realize that he mirrors your every move. You drop your sword, forcing him to relinquish his. Angry, he breaks parity by dashing at you, fists clinched.
Putting your open palms up, you wave down Dark Link until he ceases his assault. Putting your fingers to your head to make the shape of pig ears, you imitate Ganon’s laugh as best you can.
Dark Link nods, “Ganon stole the Triforce.” You shrug and look around the room, prompting Dark Link to respond, “I don’t know where he is.”
“Where is Aldez?” Your voice croaks from lack of use.
“I have no idea who you are talking about,” is Dark Link’s stern reply.
Shocked that you have apparently entered a world where the legendary exploits of that cute girl from Algebra class aren’t renown, you decide to jump into the past. Reaching for your Master Sword, you realize that Dark Link had the same idea, only a bit sooner. He scoops up the sword and delivers a critical blow straight between your eyes. As you perish, you regret all those times you were a jerk to your shadow. Shining a flashlight on it, jumping up and down at high noon, etc. But this revelation comes moments too late.
Bored of this charade, you swing your head forward at Dark Link. He responds in kind, but a moment too late, as your crown comes crashing down on his. You pick up the Master Sword and slay your stunned evil half.
“Congratulations!” an voice croaks. From the shadows, an old man steps forward. In his hands is the Triforce, “I knew you could pass my test.”
“Who are you?” you ask, your throat is sore from silence and talking makes it burn.
“I’m the King of Hyrule castle!” he exclaims, “No time to explain, we’ve got to revive Princess Zelda.” The old man starts to hustle through a small passageway, but you hang back.
“If you had the Triforce all along, then why did you let her sleep?”
“No time for that we’ve got to-“
“And what happened to Ganon?” you press.
“Ganon stole the Triforce” is his response, “Now, if there are no further questions-“
“How did you get here? Like, all the way down here in the center of Death Mountain?”
Tired of your pestering, the old man pulls you through a secret passageway. After navigating a maze of twists and turns, you spill out into the sunlight.
You make it back to Hyrule Castle and revive Princess Zelda. In an amazingly secret twist, Aldez turns out to be the Princess in disguise. However, in the future, Aldez/Zelda is nearly a decade your senior. She is quickly distracted by the difficult duties of restoring a kingdom fraught with monsters.
Sure, word of your conquest gets around, but it’s not enough to numb the shock of being in the future. You eventually settle down in a quiet riverside town as the bridge keeper, until one day you are killed by an error.
THE END
There are four other endings to find, including the best ending.
– Restart
You kick your legs and swim down to the bottom of what appears to be a seabed. The castle drawbridge is open. Out charges the brutish, pig like form of Ganon, mounted atop a speeding seahorse. You manage to swim out of the way. However, with no air to breath, your perception begins to swim. Ganon swiftly turns the seahorse and drills a spear right between your eyes.
Flailing your legs, you turn away from the castle and swim as hard as you can. You break the surface and let out a huge gasp. Floating on your back, you look for landmarks, but water stretches in front of you as far as the eye can see.
A sharp object collides with your back, pushing you underwater. You struggle to the surface, hands grab your shoulders and heave you onto a tiny boat. There is only one occupant, a preteen girl wearing an eyepatch and a bandana. A pirate flag flies from the sail.
“Ahoy!” She cries, “Glad to have you aboard my pirate ship.”
You begin to ask how such a small vessel could have any hope of pirating anything, but you decide to just shut your mouth.
“By any chance do you know the way to Crossbow Island?”
Realizing this might be your only chance to take down a bloodthirsty pirate, you draw an arrow and shoot it straight into her heart.
“Ouch,” exclaims the pirate girl, almost casually. She pulls out the arrow, which was buried several inches deep into her chest. Wiping it off on her shirt, she deftly twirls it around in her fingers, then plunges it straight between your eyes.
Feeling overwhelmed by the perpetual sea in all directions, you frantically paddle. However, soon the current picks up and carries your boat so fast that paddling is meaningless. Unfortunately, this current is caused by a monstrous whirlpool, which swallows your entire vessel and both of its occupants.
You pull out your flute and play the song of tornado summoning, this time giving it a bit of a calypso kick. The cyclone appears, you instinctively duck. However, instead of sweeping you up, the twister creates a swift current which carries you along the water for many miles. You are grateful when a piece of land finally shows itself on the horizon.
“By the way, my name is Dazel,” comments the pirate girl. You nod, not really caring at all, and point to the distant island.
“That’s Crossbow Island!” She squeals, “Today there is a tournament.”
Soon your boat reaches the small crop of land. After docking and heading aboard, you take stock of the island. Thousands of people have come to watch this spectacle, the island is just large enough to support a coliseum. a rough guard stands in front of you.
“100 Rupees to Enter the Crossbow Competition!” He declares. You search your pocket for enough money, but find none at all.
With a flash of light, you whack the soldier on his metal helmet. He falls to the ground clutching his head. You sheath your sword and swim into the throng of people.
“This Way!” Dazel grabs your hand and leads you to a line of people waiting to enter. Eventually you get to the head of the line and both enter your names. A few moments later, your name is called to compete.
You stride into the center of the coliseum, fingers nervously fiddling with your bow and arrows. Suddenly, the gates slam shut, barring any escape, and a huge Darknut hustles into the ring. He’s clad in armor from his neck to his feet, which you would think would clearly be a rules violation in a combat archery contest. Another apparent rules violation is the sharp sword he wields. As he nears, he raises the sword to strike at your unguarded head.
Dashing past the guard, you run into a large group of archers. However, the guard is nimble, and catches you before you can get far. In what you regard as a blatant abuse of power, the guard and the archers take turns stabbing you to death, then distribute your belongings among them.
Nimbly rolling out of the way, you spring to your feet and fire off a quick shot. The crowd goes wild as your arrow plunges into the Darknut’s ear. The Darknut falls to the ground, defeated.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” announces a portly man from a front row seat, “Link has won his first battle. He thereby earns the right to enter the finals of the entire tournament.” Amidst the crowd’s earsplitting roar of approval, you wonder if maybe the rules system needs a bit more tweaking.
You have little time to consider this, however, as a Stallord skeleton comes running down from the crowd. He jumps into the arena, you assume this is your finals opponent. Dragging his hands on the ground, he slowly stalks towards you.
Kneeling, you draw the bow and aim for his head. The Darknut is close, however, and you must re-aim several times before releasing. The arrow narrowly misses, flying past the Darknut’s right ear. You scramble to reload, but the enemy is upon you before you succeed. With a quick stab, the Darknut impales the sword through your chest.
As the blood rushes from the wound, you decide to go out with a note of slapstick. “Now I know how a shishkebab feels!” you exclaim, giving a hopeless shrug to the audience. It works, the crowd roars with laughter. Unfortunately, the force of your shrug drives the sword up into your neck, where you choke on your own blood and die as the crowd continues to guffaw.
Firing off two quick shots, you plink an arrow into each of the Stallord’s bony hands. He roars with pain, tumbling to the ground. Drawing an arrow, you run up and stab the Stallord in the head repeatedly. Sure, this might not fall under the traditional category of “archery,” but whatever.
A few hundred handshakes and a post-tournament press conference later, you are finally allowed to leave. Slipping on the Zora’s Mask, you skip with excitement at the notion of trying it out. Wading into the waters by the shoreline, you prepare to slip underneath the surface.
“Wait!” A voice calls. You spin around and see the pirate Dazel running to join you on the sea, “I’ve come to help you defeat Ganon when you go to his underwater castle.”
Her words stun you. How did she know you were going to fight Ganon? You’re pretty sure you didn’t even know yourself.
Dazel takes off her eyepatch and head rag. With a start, you realize you are staring at Aldez, the girl from your algebra class.
“That’s right, it was me all along. But I’m not really who I say I am. I’m actually Princess Zelda.”
You have to pause to catch your breath at this stunning revelation. Dazel is Aldez and Zelda! If only there was some sort of clue that could have foretold this stunning spoiler (besides the fact that you two are the only main characters in the entire story).
“Here,” she implores, holding out a quiver of sparkling arrows. You sling it over your shoulder. Zelda gives you a peck on the cheek, and then disappears in a puff of smoke.
Smiling happily, you descend into the sea until you have reached the ancient underwater castle. Marveling at its surrealistic beauty, you almost fail to notice Ganon charging out of the castle atop a Seahorse. He’s swimming straight towards you, spear poised to strike.
Hoping to knock him down, you deftly spring two arrows into the Stallord’s knees. Unfortunately, they just stick in his bony kneecaps, causing no apparent discomfort. Moments later, the Fossil Stallord picks you up and plucks off all of your limbs like you were a forget-me-not.
You swing your sword at Ganon, but the water’s resistance makes landing a forceful blow impossible. Speeding towards you on a seahorse, Ganon lances your neck with his spear.
Loading your bow, you draw the arrow and fire. Though slowed by water resistance, the arrow manages to hit Ganon square in the chest. He falls from the seahorse and floats to the ground, stunned.
You empty your quiver into Ganon’s prone body. Satisfied he has perished, you swim into the castle to discover treasure. However, Ganon’s trusty evil seahorse plucks the arrows from his body with its mouth. You are blindsided by a seahorse-mounted Ganon, who then stabs you with his spear until your body is unrecognizable.
Striding up to Ganon’s crumpled form, you plunge the sword deep into his skull. Both the sword and Ganon instantly turn to stone. You hear a loud rumbling, and realize that the sea is draining. Soon, you stand outside a damp-but-clean Hyrule Castle. Citizens emerge from hiding nooks, they congratulate you for saving the land.
Princess Zelda rides up to you on a snow white steed. Climbing down, she takes you by the hand, “Oh mighty adventurer, thank you for saving my kinddom. Would you like to go to the Junior Hyrule High School homecoming dance with me?”
“He’ll be doing no such thing,” shouts the announcer, riding up with a cavalry of knights. You now realize he is the King of Hyrule, which you didn’t realize before, for some reason. “Link can not go to the High dance, because as cherished adventurer he is absolved from any and all public schooling!” The crowd burst into spontaneous applause. Grabbing Princess Zelda, you lean in for that long-anticipated kiss…
“Link!” your teacher’s scolding jolts you awake. The stale smell of pencil shavings reminds you that you are still in algebra class. “Link if I have X Deku Salesman selling Y giant bomb bags, where X is 2y, how many moon gems do I need to control 40% of the magic bean market?”
The class looks at you expectantly. You realize that the day when you will yet again save Hyrule and renew your 15 minutes of fame has not yet arrived. You stand up, give the teacher the finger, then sulk off to the bathroom to catch a smoke.
THE END
You’ve found the best of all five endings! Write down a list of all the people who helped on a piece of paper, then scroll that paper in front of your eyes. You deserve it! Congratulations!!!
You hop towards Sonic and Mario, preparing a huge blast with your sword. Before you can unleash the blow, however, the Master Hand picks you up and tosses you into the void.
You nimbly scramble up the worm’s back. Grabbing the red gem feels anti-climactic, so you loudly hum an upbeat sequence of notes. The worm wags its tail, sending you flying. You land, bruised but okay, near Ganondorf’s castle. Stashing the red gem near the “Do Not Bomb” sign, the fairy finally catches up to you.
“Where to now?” she coos.
You nimbly scramble up the worm’s back. Grabbing the red gem feels anti-climactic, so you loudly hum an upbeat sequence of notes. The worm wags its tail, sending you flying. You land, bruised but okay, near Ganondorf’s castle. Stashing the red gem near the “do not bomb” sign, the fairy finally catches up to you.
“One more left” she coos.
Published: Dec 26, 2011 02:00 pm