The Professor Oak Personality Index

In these confusing times of duplicity and virtual identities, it can be challenging to pinpoint exactly why people act the way they do. Fortunately, a time-tested system has emerged to help the baffled social agent make sense of the varieties of human experience. Behavioral scientists have determined that there are precisely 18 different types of personalities and have grouped them in accordance to socio-mythical archetypes in order to make them easy to understand and give them cultural resonance. Using the Professor Oak Personality Index to identify the dominant psychological profiles in your life will help you emerge from the sputtering waste-hole of angst in which you currently wallow and become a fully developed human being, you jerkoff. These types are easily identifiable through tell-tale character traits and are as follows:

The Normal type person is average in most respects, responds to authority, and is possessed of no glaring abnormalities. They are not of exceptional ambition and tend to live meaningful, if ultimately self-contained and perhaps un-momentous lives. They are not immune to bouts of emotion, but their behavior is not dictated by such feelings, and can be found in most places, on paths, in tall grasses, or loitering on beaches. There are no situations in which Normal types are dominant, but neither are there many regrets and missed opportunities that bother them.

By contrast, a Fire type is one with raging and indignant appetites. Fueled by contempt for authority, they are often deliberately rebellious for rebellion’s sake and have little patience for those they consider to be of lesser intelligence. Magnificent egoists, fire types are often very aggressive and notoriously difficult to pin down. As the name might suggest, these types of people are passionate but directionless, usually overpowered in social situations by types with stronger principles. As with most types, they become more powerful as they gain levels … in life. Life levels.

At the opposite end of the spectrum lies the Water type, which is not only the most common but frequently the most called upon. Laid-back and sensible, their amiable nature puts them at odds (and gives them the upper hand) against punks and fanatics. They are usually creative and down to earth, making them popular but also easily pushed aside by louder and flashier opposition. Water types are more sociable and goal-oriented than Normal types, and usually have their own unique characteristics. They also tend to be good at surfing.

Few share the enormous optimism and energy of the Electric type, but that is not necessarily a bad thing. Electric people are very good-natured and can stomach the harshest criticisms and abuse. They tend to be perky and good event organizers but also argumentative in a passive-aggressive way. Famous fictional characters of this type include Pikachu … and that’s about it.

Grass types are almost universally lazy and weak-willed, preferring to let others make decisions for them. They can articulate their beliefs and usually beat their own drum more than most but not to any significant end, their only real goal being self-sustenance. A Grass type will often select a more driven and aggressive type for a mate, as they are not especially capable on their own and frequently seek help from others. They will also eat most of the contents of any one container of food in your house and then put said container back with a critically small amount of allowable food items inside it, which may result in the termination of even long-lasting friendships.

The Ice type shares many similarities with the Grass type. The main difference is that Ice types believe themselves superior to most others. Their confidence can make them surprisingly successful despite their isolation; however, they are often restricted in some way beyond their control, sometimes by a medical/physiological condition. Predictably, they are highly ineffective against Fire types and make for bad matches, although it’s fun to watch two of them get hammered and argue at a party.

A person who is a Fighting type is very aggressive and usually named after a famous Chinese action movie star for some reason. They’ll sport boxing gloves or knee pads all the time and just never shut up about how toned their abs are. There used to be only, like, six of them in existence but more and more have been turning up ever since Jersey Shore got popular.

Poison types are people who are needy, demanding and inherently bad for others but enmesh themselves in a way that they cannot easily be kicked out/divorced from. They do not respond well to reason and will probably take all your money. However, they will also support you sometimes just enough so that you don’t feel entirely comfortable getting rid of them, often by uniting with you against a common enemy or cooperating as it suits them. When you finally get down to it, though, you’ll realize they’ve been using you this whole time to protect themselves from the harsh reality of the world, and that try as you might, you’re never going to save them, not really. You just need to let go, man. You’ve done more for them than most people ever would, and they’re just not ready to change. Let’s … let’s talk about something else, ok?

If you are a Ground type, than you are generally well-informed and sensible enough to withstand threats from various other types and make your way known in the world. However, a typical Ground is ineffective in any sort of real conflict, especially against Grass types, which is just kind of embarrassing. They also tend to have vision problems and squint a lot in well-lit places. Don’t get the wrong idea, though; some of the most successful people in American history are Ground types, and proud of it.

Flying types are usually very capricious, always flying around all over the place. They may seem really cool when you first meet them in college but they’re actually just Normal people that adopt these traits to appear more interesting. They’ll often pretend they don’t understand you to avoid responsibility but they’ll usually give you a ride to different towns, especially if you want to check out their gyms.

Analytical, introverted, logical, paraphobic: Bug types look funny and are generally self-absorbed wastes of space. Half the time they have a bullshit “cocoon” stage in which you can do virtually nothing with them until they come out, and even when that finally happens they aren’t very effective. At anything.

A Psychic type person tends to be very weird but at least good at keeping ghosts away. Their behavior can be perceived as odd and off-putting and their physical stature as unhealthy, but that’s because they’re just incredibly powerful mind-beings and you should get the hell out of their way. Vengeful, unpleasant, brittle and difficult to kill. Fond of facial hair.

One of the most extreme of all personalities, Rock types tend to follow some sort of dogma or creed that anchors them. They have high defenses and possess unwavering faith in their own well-developed value system, whether it is a code of honor or something more metaphysical. They may be formidably intelligent but are not open with their feelings and, while they may make friends, do not seek them out. They often describe themselves as being “not awkward, just comfortable with silence.” For perhaps obvious reasons, they seem to clash with Grass types, so if you’re carpooling somewhere don’t put the two of them in the back seat unless you’re ok with just blasting the radio the whole time.

Ghost types are dead.

Dragon types are unpredictable and crazy, influential and powerful but irrational. Often drunk. They make a lot of noise and tend to be real drama queens. Woe be to you if you room with one of them because they usually have really loud sex (although some people secretly enjoy that sort of thing, especially Fighting, Bug and Ground types, although they’d never admit it). Dragons tend to be real whiners and require a lot of encouragement/browbeating before they’ll get anything done. Worth the effort? You decide. Usually not.

The average Dark type huffs paint, listens to ICP and likes to joke about doing violent things to local police officers way too often. They’ll probably end up living with their parents for the rest of their lives but that doesn’t mean they won’t be extremely unsettling in the meantime. Of course it’s just a mask for their deep, crippling insecurities. They don’t have many weaknesses, because most people would rather not bother.

Steel types are analytical, thoughtful, have Beautiful Minds and are unassailably nerdy. They are the type of people who willingly read personality indexes for fun.

No one you know is a Legendary type, and neither are you.

The average personality is made up of a combination of two of these types, perhaps more if you use a moon stone. Consult this system constantly and rely on it as much as possible, and maybe your strange, chaotic life might finally seem relatively bearable. Our iPhone app should be available soon.

Andy Hughes is an independent blogger and a regular freelance contributor to www.ToplessRobot.com. He can be reached at [email protected].