All Your Base Are Belong to Mom

LoveFAQ is a weekly advice column for geeks, by geeks about love, life and maxing out your romance meter. Got questions for LoveFAQs? Send them to [email protected].

Dear Love FAQ,

Not in the Mood

Dear Not in the Mood,

Independence is a nebulous thing, one that’s too easy to take for granted until it’s gone. At college, sex is easy. You can always just shut the door, tell your roommate to skedaddle, and screw whoever you like, whenever you like, for as long as you like. But when Mom’s your roommate, that strategy just doesn’t carry the same weight.

I could recommend you take some emergency stop-gaps. For example, you could go on vacation together; vacation sex is the best kind of sex, because you have all the time you need, you can be as loud as you like, and you can experiment without having to worry about post-coital toxic disposal.

You could also adjust your perspective. Look at your short windows of time as opportunities to sneak in a little make-out here, a little oral there. Foreplay doesn’t always have to come immediately before the main event. This way, when you finally do get the chance to consummate, it won’t feel like a quickie so much as the natural culmination of all that delicious anticipation you’ve built up.

But I fear there’s only one permanent solution to the mess you’re in: Move out.

Get an apartment. It doesn’t even have to be with your girlfriend. (In fact, I’d advise against it, as moving in together is a serious step, one that shouldn’t be motivated by penury alone.)

You’re an adult now, and you need your space. As long as one or both of you live with your parents, your relationship will continue to wither and die a slow, painful, sexless death.

And don’t grouse that it’s too expensive. So what if you didn’t land that fancy job you wanted straight out of college, and now you’re forced to flip burgers or bag groceries and barely make minimum wage? That’s why man invented roommates – and slum lords. If Peter Parker can make it work, so can you. (Seriously, do you know what a freelance photographer makes? Spiderman basically lived on ramen and stolen Sweet ‘N Low packets.)

Yes, moving out means you’ll likely have to live in a cockroach-infested shithole with curious stains on the bathroom floors. And you’ll probably need to cram one too many roommates into said shithole just to make rent. You’ll subsist on mac and cheese and coffee grinds, and the only time you’ll get a good meal is when you nip home to Mom’s for Sunday roast.

But you know what? You’ll be able to fuck your girlfriend whenever you like. And frankly, that’s worth it.

Dear Love FAQ,

The Darktown Apostate

Dear Apostate,

While I commend your loyalty to your friend, she probably already knows he’s a jerk – and doesn’t care. You don’t agree to marry someone without at least some tacit acknowledgement and acceptance of their flaws. Who knows? Maybe she weighed the pros and cons, and decided that putting up with a man-baby is worth it to get babies of her own. If so, that’s her choice, and nothing you say will change it. So out of respect for her, you should assume she’s entering this marriage with her eyes wide open.

Besides, if she’s a close enough friend that you feel obligated to warn her, then chances are she already knows you don’t like him. No need to belabor the point.

If she asks for your honest opinion – and only you can tell if she really, truly wants it – then feel free to share your concerns in as much detail as you like. But be prepared for your criticism to leave a lasting mark, one that she may hold against you to the end of her days – or, at least, the end of her marriage.

But for now, assume she’s decided on her course. And that means she needs a friend who can help her stay focused and sane amid the stress of wedding planning. So help her with what tasks you can, lend an ear when she needs one, and spend as little time around Douchebag McFucklenuts as you can manage.

Dear Love FAQ,

Looking for Warp Zone

No. Stop asking.

Okay, fine. Technically, I suppose it is possible, in the same way that it’s possible you could saddle up a rhino and ride him to the Circle K for slushies. It’s just very, very, improbable.

Both parties must emerge from the dreaded Friend Zone together – and too often, one person wants to move forward while the other is perfectly content to stay put.

The easiest way to avoid this is to not get stuck there in the first place. So if you like a girl, man up already and ask her out, the sooner the better.

Women like a man with balls. So do men. And so, I hear, do rhinos.

Disclaimer: LoveFAQ is written by Lara Crigger, who is by no means a trained psychiatrist or therapist or even a middle school guidance counselor – just a smart gal who wants to help out her fellow geek. LoveFAQ is meant for entertainment purposes only, so don’t take it as a substitute for professional advice. If you have real problems, consult your physician.

Got a burning question (or a question about burning) for LoveFAQ? Send your emails to [email protected]. All submissions are confidential and anonymous.