Bam! Pow! Awesome!: What Is Best In Life?

As everyone knows, comics are awesome. If you don’t know this, you do now. Another thing you should know is that I’ll be reviewing these comics, which means that they will be rated in one category and one category alone: awesome. Yes, story and all those other extras they keep putting into the comics I read are important or whatever, but not as important as how badass the people are, how big the explosions are, and how much stuff comes out of a guy when he’s punched. I think I speak for all of us when I say, “Let’s do this.”

Conan! Hell yeah! Need I say more?

My editor tells me I do actually need to say more. I remain skeptical.

This time I’ll be talking about the upcoming Conan the Cimmerian #18: Free Companions part 3. If you have not read the earlier issues of Conan, you would be exactly like me, apart from having read this sneak preview. Also, we would probably be different in many other ways as well; I was told that every person is a unique and beautiful snowflake.

Nevertheless, I can recognize awesome when I see it. And I see it here. Conan sees it, too, from the look on his face:

Is this an image of Conan, or me? Sometimes even I cannot tell.

Free Companions part 3 starts with Conan at his finest – starving, trapped near some salt marshes, and hunting rats for a meal. He is truly in his element. As the comic tells us, “In this vile place, life was fleeting and hard. The strong fell upon the weak. The large ate the small.” Understandably, Conan is able to eat everything in his path.

Then BAM! Time shift backwards as Conan remembers something. He’s on a horse and delivering some wounded king (it happens when you get too close to Conan) to the king’s sister and assorted retainers. The sister gets mad at Conan and the king prevents Conan from being arrested (like they’d be able to anyways. Please.) and

Whoah, is the king feeling up his sister? That’s some Gladiator shit right there. I’m not sure how I feel about that – I can understand wanting to get one last feel in if you think you’re gonna kick the bucket soon, but your sister? You’re a king, just summon the royal hotties or something.

Then a guy named Lord Amalric falls down, wounded (like I said, it happens) and the sister punishes Conan for bringing back the king in non-mint condition by stripping him (I wish the sentence ended here, too) of his rank. In response, Conan gives us his best, “Bitch, please.” face.

So this is pretty much where my preview ends, but I figured I’d put in a few good words about Conan. I like to think that Conan and I share certain attributes: our insatiable bloodthirst, our indomitable drive for justice, and our love of being shirtless. All of these, of course, are awesome, and Conan gets bonus points for them. Conan and I, however, have our differences – unlike Conan, I have no mercy or compassion.

And because of that, I have to say I’m disappointed in Conan for only killing a single living creature in the first five pages of this comic. It’s very possible – almost certain, actually – that more things will die later, but I really expected Conan to work at a breakneck pace when it comes to crushing the life from things.

Conan the Cimmerian #18: Free Companions part 3 looks like it’s shaping up to be something cool. It is, after all, Conan – if it wasn’t cool, we’d have to redefine cool. While there’s very little death in the beginning, I’m forced to assume that Conan is just saving all his killing rage up for the last bit, and the final pages will be an orgy of death. Just the way I like it.

Final Count:
0 heads exploded
1 living thing died

For more information about Free Companions part 3, check out this place. I would have said you should go to your local library, but they probably don’t have comics and I’m not even sure libraries are real anyways.

Andy Rose knows what is best in life, and it certainly isn’t the open steppe, a fleet horse, falcons at your wrist and the wind in your hair.