Demon’s Souls – Zero Punctuation

I’m getting the Persona 4 feeling again – seeing all the little squirts that will one day become the game I loved but not quite adding up to the full money shot yet. For one, Demon’ZZs Souls Jesus Christ why did they call it that is not a sprawling interconnected open world, which surprised me, as such things are now as indelible a part of the Soulslike genre as funny walks are of scrotal psoriasis. Instead you go to five unconnected broadly linearly laid out areas accessed from a hub castle. It’s like Mario 64 if Princess Peach had had her eyes waxed shut. You can tackle them in any order and go back and forth as much as you like, which creates the usual issue that they all have to have roughly the same difficulty so once you’re in the late game and have fully upgraded your suppository equipment then the last few areas roll over like a friendly dog with an itchy back. In fact, the final boss of almost every area is a complete cop out, generally too easy and often a gimmick boss. Like the Dragon God who looks terrifying and is the size of your mum’s buffet plate but is actually a proto-Bed of Chaos and he’s only harder than fighting a kitten in a blender ‘cos you have to press two buttons instead of one.

And then there’s Latria, which is one of the harder worlds full of striking horrific Lovecraftian visuals, and then at the end of it you just fight some random cunt with a Walnut Whip for a head. It’s only the final boss of the first area that puts up a decent scrap, and of course he’s the one who’s an infuriatingly long way from the last checkpoint, and every time you want to face him you have to plough through three castles, one dragon and an elevator ride slow enough to pitch an entire Hideo Kojima project. Oh and I won’t spoil it, but as for the final, final boss of the game, I’ve had bigger struggles working caramels out of my teeth. That was the point, Yahtz. It’s an illustration of the rot that’s set into this dying world that even the final boss could barely peel himself off the couch long enough to put up a fight. Yeah, I know, Dark Souls does the same thing, but it manages to not be completely anti-climactic about it. I left Demon’s Souls feeling it had engaged me a lot less than other From Software self-abuse simulators, especially in the story area. Maybe the less cohesive world made me feel a little more detached from it, if it wasn’t all the underwhelming boss fights that felt more like getting coughed on by a stoat.

But this is a remake, remember, and as for whether it benefits from that, the graphics have certainly been significantly shined up in contrast to the disappointing Dark Souls Remastered, which just felt like playing the old version after you’ve gotten better contact lenses. I was impressed by the PS5’s short loading times, but if I’m going to have to host a licorice allsort as big as that it better have some fucking hardware improvements. When it comes to gameplay, however, this is very much a warts and all situation. I mean, the biggest and greasiest wart that I’d have thought the game would want to hack off given a chance to rethink things is the limited inventory space. Which is the little dog turd seed from which grows a many-branched dog turd tree. Having to constantly manually replenish items, the having to press an extra button that sends found items to the stockpile when you might have three foetid buggerbears closing in of a mind to administer suppositories of their own, leaving behind your useless pile of tendonitis cure potions and then getting fucked because you ran into the one enemy in the game that bestows tendonitis three miles from the checkpoint.

And by the tiny stroke of removing inventory limits all that embuggerance would disappear. We could stop having to deal with that Stockpile Thomas weirdo in the hub castle who keeps talking like he’s in actual physical love with me because I let him hold the four Dregling shields I am never going to bloody use. And while we’re nitpicking, in Dark Souls, you use Titanite Shards to upgrade your weapon some of the way way and then you have to use the rarer Large Titanite Shards instead, this is a fine system. In Demon’s Souls once your weapon is upgraded past a certain point you have to use both small shards and large shards. This is a bad system designed by evil footwear companies who want you to wear out your shoes grinding small shards in old areas or going back and forth buying them in bulk from that weird bloke who looks like Charlie Manson taking a beach holiday. But you know something, viewers? You have to get really into a game to start being bothered by stuff this deep in the systems, and I was. Really into Demon’s Souls, I mean. It was interesting to see all the little prototype ideas that would later go into Dark Souls and even Bloodborne in parts. There’s proto-Blighttown. There’s Iron Golem Jr. And the granddaddy of the entire spectrum of generic dude in armour boss fights: Old Mr. No Seriously Now What’s Your Actual Name The Penetrator.

But I’m left wondering what Demon’s Souls purpose is in the present day, considering that it was in many ways a prototype for the vastly better and much easier to pronounce Dark Souls. I would’ve said it might be a nice starter game for players who are turned off by the way newer From games have gotten even harder and sprawlier and might appreciate something a little more straightforward and easier going, but the game’s actually harder in some ways – it’s a lot stingier with checkpoints, and lest we forget you’re punished with having to make do with half health for the disproportionate crime of dying once. And not knocking out every boss on your first go with naught but a swing of one mighty testicle. Which isn’t exactly friendly to new players, or healthy genitalia. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate getting the chance to replay it, but I’m a Dark Souls fan, it was interesting to me. The way Dads are interested in model railway museums that bore the earlobes off everyone else. “Look kids! This dragon guarding Castle Boletaria must be the progenitor of the Hellkite Wyvern from Undead Burg! Isn’t that fascinating?” “DAD WE’RE REALLY BORED. AND MY IPAD MELTED.”