Evil Genius 2: World Domination – Zero Punctuation

And now there’s a new one covering its shameful nethers with the enticing seven veils of sequel but it’s totally just a remake, fuck you. One that’s let a long enough time elapse since the last decent Dungeon Keeper game that it can finally credibly argue that it’s not just a ripoff of that with a campy retro futuristic pulp spy fiction coat of paint. No, obviously it was inspired by just looking at the way the world is currently being run and realising that a cartoon global dictator couldn’t possibly make things any worse. Nor indeed could a world government headed by half a breakfast grapefruit. But anyway, that’s all you really need in terms of setup. You’re a cackling white cat stroking supervillain and you need to build a base on an isolated island and manage an inexhaustible army of minions in order to pour resources into heists and schemes on the world map that all sound like they would probably be really interesting and you can have a lot of fun thinking about what an exciting time your minions must be having as you dawdle around the office micromanaging the positions of the fire extinguishers.

So let’s get straight to the core issue with Evil Genius – that its major concerns are (1) creating the retro camp Bond villain lair aesthetic and (2) the logistics of how one runs such a place, and if anyone on the team realised that you need to crowbar “fun and engaging video game” into there somewhere then apparently they didn’t think to bring it up. Let’s focus on point 2 for now, because there’s a lot about base designing that feels inefficient. You’re supposed to designate areas as specific rooms, but I’m unclear on why my minions need a barracks and a dining hall AND a breakroom AND an entirely separate kind of breakroom for replenishing mental health or something. That’s what happens when you let the fuckers unionise, I suppose. Furniture for one kind of room can’t go in any other kind of room, which makes no sense. Would it really break the interior designer’s heart to shove a fucking vending machine in the breakroom so my dudes don’t have to trudge all the way to the dining hall for a Twix. And while we’re on the subject, why can I only put fire extinguishers, guard posts and staircases in rooms officially designated as “corridors?” I just wanted a fucking split-level food court. Also, why did I have to research the concept of a staircase? Where was my Evil Genius educated? St. Bungalow’s School For The Wheelchair Bound?

It also feels inefficient that my only recourse when I need more power or one point of signal strength is to build an entire new generator or tapereel computer bank the size of nine fridges taped together, so you need to be constantly expanding the computer room until you’ve got nineteen of the buggers – couldn’t we just make the tapereels bigger or something? It’s like when you need a pound of sausages for dinner, but the butcher is closed so you just stop at the petrol station and buy nineteen Peperamis. Funnily enough the emphasis in this base building game is on the base building. There’s not much you can do directly. You give build orders but you don’t get to pick which minions are assigned to do the building nor whether or not it takes priority over squeezing blackheads in front of the bathroom mirror. Evil geniusing is about hands-off management, apparently. It’s just about designing your base efficiently enough that everyone can get to where they need to be. I fucked up because my evil genius had a buff to speed up minion training but I put the training centre on the other side of the base from his room so he was constantly having to waddle back and forth like a mother duck trying to get their chicks across a busy highway while struggling with ADHD.

I get that the idea is to build a base so efficiently it runs itself so you can sit on your fat arse shopping around for a new filter for the piranha tank, and that can be interesting, but at the same time the game keeps throwing curveballs at you and if it turns out you weren’t prepared there’s bugger all you can do. Being able to select a minion and directly order them to do something would make all the difference when you find yet another squad of investigators freely walking around your base snapping away like Japanese tourists while the eight elite mercenaries I painstakingly trained are all sitting in the security room playing Magic the Gathering. Suddenly the hands-off approach is out the window as I need to specifically click on each intruder and select “kill”, at which point it turns out that only half the bloody mercenaries decided to pick up one of the bloody guns I spent ages researching and developing because the gun cabinet was more than three feet away and their fingers were slippery with Cheeto dust. So in my experience, if you are relying on guards then you’re playing it wrong. It’s more fun to use traps and turn your base entrances into whirling labyrinths of death.

Although if you do that then suddenly those fucking mercenaries will start eagerly running up to invaders and gnawing on their ankles before they can even get to the trap, or just in time to join them in getting decked by a boxing glove on a spring. In summary, Evil Genius 2 is an inconsistent game. If we need three kinds of breakroom for the sake of realism it’d be nice if any of my lads could have a realistic sense of self-preservation. Although I doubt any amount would’ve helped the first time a super agent invaded my base, who tanked all the boxing gloves and then murdered every single minion before I knew what was going on. I have no idea how I was supposed to prepare for this short of retraining everyone into a guard and buying them all one gun cabinet each to keep strapped to their fucking head at all times. But then when all seemed lost the super agent breached my evil genius’ lair and my evil genius just fucking took them apart. And that kinda killed my interest in playing any longer, frankly. Doesn’t it undermine the whole theme of delegating, and the challenge of building a base to protect myself? Why bother if I can just stick my main dude behind the reception desk and open fire every time the front door opens? What you’d gain in efficiency would balance out what you lose in getting blacklisted by Doordash.