FFVII Rebirth’s Moogles are the Actual Worst

Moogles have long since been my favorite fantastical creature in the Final Fantasy series. They’re cute, complete with that adorable button nose and iconic “Kupo!” catchphrase. They’re small (or smol, rather) and squishy… What’s not to love?

Well apparently with Final Fantasy VII Rebirth, Square Enix woke up one morning and chose violence. Because Rebirth‘s iteration of the once lovable creatures is annoying and easily the worst version of them we’ve ever seen in the series. No, don’t @ me.

Whereas they were just represented by passive bystander kids in costumes in Final Fantasy VII Remake, waiting to be discovered so they can sell you valuable items in exchange for Moogle Medals, the creatures themselves have taken a much more active role in Rebirth, and it’s not particularly great. In a game that’s already riddled with so many tiny, annoying mini-games at every corner, accessing the Moogle Emporium in each region in Rebirth also requires you to play yet another mini-game. And this might be one of the worst in the bunch.

When you interact with a moogle home in a new region, you’re instantly thrown into a mini-game where you have to round up five moogles and shepherd them into a designated area. The worst part? You need to do this while they’re pelting you with awful magical attacks that can be hard to dodge. And the cherry on top? If you get hit three times, you need to redo the entire mini-game.

Let’s break down exactly why this feels bad to play.

The movement in Final Fantasy VII Rebirth isn’t exactly precise. This is an action game that’s meant to make you feel powerful and quick on your feet; Cloud and co can zip around the battlefield swiftly, and everything’s meant to feel fast-paced. With the moogle mini-game, however, your movements need to be a lot more calculated and precise. We’re talking weaving in and out, and zig-zagging so that you can avoid gusts of wind that are already hard to see, along with keeping an eye on the ground to make sure you don’t step on a stray banana peel or, worse, in the blasting area of a bomb that’s about to fall from above.

After hours of high-octane combat where you’re basically flying around with the Buster Sword, getting suddenly thrown into a mini-game where you need to be methodical with your movement just doesn’t feel great. Final Fantasy VII Rebirth simply isn’t that kind of game. Just like how it isn’t meant to be a stealth game –why Rebirth insists on throwing you into forced stealth missions just so you can unlock fast travel in each region is beyond me, but that’s a story for another time.

It certainly doesn’t help that the moogle mini-game gets progressively harder with each region you visit. Their powers get pretty noticeable upgrades and there are times where things just start to feel downright frustrating.

But really, the absolute kicker is that the moogles also just straight up look weird in FFVII Rebirth. It seems as though Square Enix had opted to go for a more realistic look in the sequel. The moogles are so much more furry now.

I mean, just look at this guy.

He looks evil. He looks like he’d lure me in with his excessive furriness, ambush me at lunchtime, and ask for all my lunch money before shoving me into a locker. It’s strange, because on the flipside, chocobos look especially cute in Rebirth.

Anyway the point is, Final Fantasy XVI got moogles looking right on current-gen consoles. And because I have been spoiled by how cute they were in FFXVI, I am now taking their iteration in Rebirth as a personal attack on me and my family. No but seriously, though, that moogle mini-game might be the worst part of an otherwise mostly excellent game.

Alright, I guess that one bit where they turn Cloud into a tiny moogle was kinda cute… But only kinda.