New Study Finds That Hot Dogs ARE PEOPLE! THEY’RE PEOPLE!!

Like hot dogs? Well, that’s probably because you’re a cannibal.

With the exception of apple pie or maybe the KFC Double Down, it’s hard to think of a food more “American” than hot dogs. Whether being served by the thousands at baseball stadiums or being grilled up at our 4th of July parties, hot dogs are the quintessential cuisine of this country, which really sheds some light on our current obesity epidemic (see also: the success of the KFC Double Down).

But perhaps more confounding than the hot dog’s popularity here in America is its popularity in spite of the fact that we know next to nothing about what they’re actually made from — you know, aside from animal butts, which we seemingly have no problem with. Unfortunately for us, it turns out that a surprising amount of the mystery in America’s favorite mystery meat, like soylent green before it, is people.

That’s according to a recent study by Clear Food — a company which “uses genomic technology to analyze the world’s foods at a molecular level, ingredient by ingredient” — at least. After rounding up 345 samples from 75 brands and 10 retailers, Clear Food found human DNA in 2% of the samples. Perhaps even more horrifying was the study’s findings that human DNA was also present in 2/3rds of the vegetarian samples.

You heard it here first: We are all cannibals, but especially vegetarians.

Not only that, but Clear Food also found that nearly 15% of the hot dogs they tested faced “substitution” issues in some way, meaning that “chicken, beef, turkey, and lamb were found in products that were not supposed to contain those ingredients. Pork (was found) in 3% of the samples we tested. In most cases, pork found its way into chicken and turkey sausages.”

While these substitution issues should raise a red flag in their own right, they are undoubtedly less shocking when compared to the fact that we have all been eating people this entire time. Does that make Joey Chestnut this generation’s Jeffrey Dahmer? Yes, yes it does.

Head over to Clear Food for more fun (read: abhorrent) facts about the hot dog, including several handy little infographs that will make you want to skip lunch entirely.

Source: Nature World Report