The runways of JFK International Airport come into view as you descend. Aiming for the closest one, you fly towards the ground. Moments before impact, you stick out your feet. The soles of your boots scrape the runway as you touch down. You glide for a few hundred feet then come to a stop, windmilling your arms to keep your balance. As you fold up your Tanooki suit, a quartet of fliers skids up next to you. Of course, its your loyal friends Peach, Luigi, Toad, and Yoshi. You would never have come to the new world without them. Well, maybe without Luigi.
“Mamma Mia!” you exclaim, gazing at the bright lights of the city skyline. You are dragged into the terminal by your eager friends. You hop in line for Customs, anxiously tapping your foot. But the line moves slowly, by the time it is your turn you have stretched out on the floor for a nap.
“Get up, buddy!” a nearby Customs agent barks. You hand him your suitcase, expecting everything to be in order, and hoping this will be over quickly.
“What is this?” cries the customs agent, zipping open the case to reveal dozens of banana peels and fire flowers, “you can’t take this into America!”
“Mamma Mia … ” You state with an icy glare.
“Whoa, Mario!” says Toad, “just pay the customs or whatever and let’s get going!”
“Afraid it’s not that easy,” says the customs executive. “I have to seize all of this.”
He dumps the contents of your suitcase into a large bag and then hands the empty case back to you, “Actually, I guess that was easy.”
Furious, you turn bright red. Your friends drag you away, angrily shaking your fist at the customs agent and screaming “It’s-a-me, Mario!”
Soon, your friends have hustled you outside. You become distracted by the choking exhaust fumes and loud traffic. Two cabs sit idling at the curb. One is driven by a skinny cab driver, while the other is driven by a short, round guy.
Pounding your fist on the Customs counter, you angrily shout for the clearance agent to hurry up. Displeased, the customs agent takes a long look at you.
“Hey,” he exclaims, “you’re that guy.”
He turns and studies a poster on the wall. It is of a dark-skinned man in a turban whose name is “Mareeh-el Pljomer”
“Yeah, that is you, you have the same skin tone and everything … ” Before you can find the words to refute, you find yourself swarmed by police. They throw you in a cell and strip search you, even finding your hidden power star. By the time the mistake is cleared up, you have suffered abuse that no man should ever deserve. Except maybe Luigi.
THE END
Giddily, you pile into the cab, the customs aggravation forgotten.
“Where to?” the driver inquires.
“Atlantic City!” shouts Toad, who hasn’t taken a vacation from his desert shop in years, despite never getting any customers except yourself.
The cabbie peels out of his parking spot, a half hour later, you are passing through a bridge and/or tunnel to New Jersey.
Coming out of the tunnel makes you feel like that part of The Wizard of Oz when everything became colored. Everywhere you look, you see greasy men of questionable health and minimal hair movement wear clothes that expose their muscle and hide their flab. You always thought you were the only one who wore overalls to guide the eye towards the arms and away from the gut. Women wearing tacky clothes and brightly manicured nails walk by, which makes Peach giggle and smooth out her pink pleated dress. Plus, everyone here seems to be the same shade of orange as you. You can definitely see why the travel agent insisted you come here.
“Oy!” yells the cabbie, screeching on the brakes. In the road ahead, a busted water main gushes a fountain of water into the air.
Piling into the taxi, you take off with a screech.
“Hey, we didn’t give you a destination,” says Toad, who soon finds himself staring down the barrel of a gun. You quickly realize that the cabbie was a little too short, and a little too fat.
“It’s a Goomba!” you shout.
“Actually, I find the term Goomba to be offensive,” says the Goomba, “I don’t feel it accurately reflects my Italian-mushroom heritage.”
He then plugs all of you full of lead and steers the cab off of the Brooklyn bridge. During the subsequent homicide investigation, corrupt police will blame the death on violent video games.
THE END
You impatiently tap the glass partition separating you from the cab driver.
“Can’t go around,” he mutters, “Bowser’s got another construction project on the expressway. He must have another truckful of bodies to bury,” the cabbie chuckles.
“Mamma Mia!” you exclaim. You are your friends hop out of the car to examine the situation. The street has flooded about an inch, baby koopas flounder about.
“Time to get to work, Mario!” shouts Luigi, diving headlong into the dirty, foul-smelling sewers.
Popping out of the cab, you assess the damage. The streets are flooded by a gushing main, someone’s going to have to go into the sewers and turn off the water. With a sigh, you realize that you took an oath to provide plumbing assistance to all. Grabbing your brother, you point to the gushing sewer and nod.
Closing your eyes and plugging your nose, you dive into the brown sewer water. Your first thought is that the sewers certainly are full: rank water fill the entire underground passageway.
Fighting the current, you swim to the series of wheels that control the pipes. Turning the largest one stops the current and, you assume, the gushing water. You turn to swim back, but a giant blooper seizes Luigi.
Muttering something about having just eaten a spicy meatball, you duck away into an alley.
“Hey, you can’t come in here, this alley belongs to us!” Squinting, you make out a group of tank-top wearing men playing dice against a dumpster.
Before you can react, the men descend upon you, pummeling you into a pulp. You’d heard Americans are a cold-hearted lot, but the men genuinely seemed to enjoy beating you to death.
THE END
Rushing forward, you punch the blooper right in the face. Unfortunately, this is a rare breed of electric sewer super blooper. You feel a jolt as an enormous number of volts courses through your body, but are surprised when this influx causes your head to explode.
THE END
Grabbing the creature’s nose, you stretch it across the sewer. Letting go, the nose becomes a cartilage ram, smashing into the blooper’s face. With a whimper, it swims back to the depths of the sewers.
Thrilled, you go check on Luigi. To your slight dismay, he is totally fine except for a bruised ego. Swimming out of the sewers you raise your hands in the air triumphantly.
“My hero!” exclaims Princess Peach, fluttering her eyelashes. You lean in for a kiss, but the rotting stench of filth and feces covering you makes her back away in revulsion.
“Let’s a-go!” you scream. Your friends don’t need a second cue to pile in the taxi, making sure Luigi sits next to an open window.
– Hop in the cab and ride toward your dream vacation.
– Jump onto the roof of the cab, then onto the roof of a nearby building, for no apparent reason.
Driving along the Jersey shore, the time flies by as you stare at all of the musclebound, oily men and women. Soon, you are at the fabled Atlantic City. Huge casinos tower above you on either side.
Looking up, you are delighted to see that each casino has a theme. There’s a water-themed casino hotel, a chocolate theme, a pirhana plant theme, a fire theme, an outer space theme, there’s even one where everything is giant.
Excitedly, you gaze up as your hotel creeps into the skyline: The Bowser casino hotel. You’ve always wanted to relax in Bowser’s kingdom, but never find the time in between bouts of running for your life.
Hopping out, you throw a pocketful of gold coins at the taxicab driver. At first, he seems confused, but then scoops them up and drives off to the nearest money-for-gold place.
You walk to the front door when an enormous bodyguard steps in front of you.
“Yo! You can’t get in here with that look. We keep an element of class.”
You start to retort, but then do some self examination. Your muscles are a bit flabby, your clothes a bit worn. You could even stand to tan.
“Don’t worry! We’ll help you out!” shouts Peach, who is then immediately distracted by a sidewalk slot machine.
You shrug. You had hoped to get some tips on fashion, but Peach is busy at the moment. Looking at your three remaining friends, you realize you only have two choices.
Leaping onto the rooftop, you run until the building ends, hopping down, you see three pipes and a friendly sign: WELCOME TO WARP ZONE
Yoshi flips you onto his back and trots towards the Giant Casino Hotel.
You step inside the oversized double doors of the Giant, a three-story chandelier hovers over several banks of enormous slot machines.
“First of all, call me “The Y-Train,” now … what do you wanna do to bulk up, first,” Yoshi asks, “knock over slot machines, or wrestle with security guards?”
Before you can answer, he tosses you at a nearby security guard standing next to a slot machine. Your only choice is to hit one or the other.
“Can you believe it,” squeals Toad, guiding you to a nearby nightclub, “an entire place where the women are attracted to short men!” You arrive at the back of a long line.
“Okay, while we have some time, I’m gonna show you some stuff.” Toad pulls out a gold coin, “First of all, you gotsta show off your bling.”
He hangs the coin on a gold chain around his neck, unbuttoning his shirt a bit so the coin is fully exposed.
“Alright, show me what you’ve learned.”
Confused as to whether you’ve learned anything, you consider what you can wear.
With a crash you land against the slot machine.
“Now push it over,” screams Yoshi. For a moment, you realize that this is the first time you’ve heard his voice. You also realize this is the first time you’ve seen him drinking. Still, his advice has never failed you before. With a shove, you manage to topple the enormous one-armed bandit. It tips over, slamming into the machines next to it. After an enormous crash reverberates through the casino, you are standing in front of a huge pile of slot machines.
“Stop!” screams an enormous guard. Several large members of casino security hustle towards you.
“Great,” barks Yoshi, “now help me steal this ATM machine.” He eagerly picks up one side, and gestures for you to grab the other end.
With a scream, you fly into the chest of the enormous bodyguard. Falling on the ground, you look up to see the guard is an enormous Monty Mole.
Steam puffing out of his ears, he jumps in the air, then smashes against the carpet, burrowing into the casino floor. You have a moment to ponder whether this is standard security policy, then the burrowing giant mole comes streaking towards you.
You don your penguin suit, noting proudly how it shows off your chest and tailfeathers. The line shuffles forward. Toad slips the guy at the door a wad of cash and you are in.
The club is called, “Sub-Space.” It is a dimly lit, cavernous room. Light beams flash off of coins suspended from the ceiling.
“Alright, bro,” says Toad. “Let’s see your moves.”
You put on your frog suit. Toad gives you a questioning look, but you just assume that he’s never seen style before.
The line moves forward. Toad hands the man at the door a wad of cash, but he refuses to move aside.
“What, you think that’s funny? Huh, just because I am ze only Frenchman in town, you Italians just have to mock me?” He punches you in the face, breaking four bones: two in your face, two on his hand. You spend the rest of your vacation recuperating in the hospital. What’s worse, however, is that the remorseful French bouncer stops by the hospital to apologize, and Princess Peach falls in love with him.
THE END
“Mamma Mia!” you exclaim. However, Yoshi has always been there for you. Countless times he has drowned and had to respawn because of your own negligence. So you hustle over and grab the other end of the heavy cash machine.
“Freeze!” shouts a security guard. You glance over to see three uniformed men have guns trained right on your head.
“Don’t worry,” says Yoshi. “They won’t shoot. Just keep going.”
Huffing, you manage to get the enormous-sized ATM to the door. There, however, a hot air balloon-sized chain chomp guards your way.
Leaving Yoshi to fend for himself, you dart towards the front doors. However, they have been securely locked by security. Jiggling the doors, you hear a sliding noise behind you. Turning around, your last sight is of a two-story-high chain chomp descending upon you.
THE END
Leaping high into the air, you tuck your knees to your chest and forward flip. Timing your jump, you land butt-first onto the giant, burrowing mole.
Right as your posterior makes contact, however, giant spikes emerge from his back. You land in pretty much the most agonizing way, possible, and are finally glad when death grips you.
THE END
Jumping into the air, you flip end-over-end, bringing your backside down hard on the destroyed carpet behind the mole.
Your blow shakes the entire casino floor, the mole flies up in the air. He lands on his back. Flailing his arms in vain, the mole security guard is unable to right himself. You hop on his stomach, knocking the wind out of him.
“Nice work, you’re getting stronger already!” grunts Yoshi. “I bet you could even flip over a craps table.”
Feeling a bulge in your biceps, you nod.
“Well then, do it!” cries Yoshi.
Brushing off your penguin suit’s shoulders, you confidently stride to the middle of the dance floor. Stretching out your arms, you burst into a flapping, clucking chicken dance that would make any rooster proud.
Unfortunately, you get into it with a little too much gusto. A wide sweep of your wing knocks into several muscular men. Unfortunately, they had all come to the club looking for an excuse to fight, so they pummel you good. You manage to check out of the hospital just in time for your flight home.
THE END
Not knowing exactly what to do on the dance floor, you stand there, confused.
“Yeah, just like that,” assures Toad. “Aloof. Once in a while nod your head to the beat, but you don’t need to be in rhythm.”
You occasionally nod your head. Soon enough two women approach.
“I like your style,” says one of them, a blue woman with a pointy hat.
“Buy us a drink?” says the other, also wearing a pointy hat.
– Goomba stomp both women at the same time (note: this is not a sexual metaphor)
Sprinting over, you pull out the stake holding the chain chomp in. Screams pierce the air as the enormous chain chomp begins to eat everything in sight. It bares its enormous teeth at you, then chews you to ribbons.
THE END
Placing the large slot machine between you and the chain chomp, you set it down with a grunt. Moments later, a huge crash from the other side of the machine indicates that the chain chomp slammed into the A.T.M.
“Quickly, while she’s stunned,” Yoshi urges. Not spending a moment to ponder how he knows its gender, you pick up the cash machine and carry it to the door.
Yoshi rattles the glass entrance, “locked down,” he exclaims. Before you can comment, he smashes his end of the cash machine through the doors. You carry the cash machine through the gaping hole in the glass.
Once on the street, Yoshi begins frantically trying to hail a cab. Soon, a yellow tax pulls up.
Yoshi seems a bit chemically imbalanced, but he’s always fought for the force of good in the past. Trusting him, you grab a nearby craps table and heave. The entire table goes end-over-end, you’ve never had this much strength before.
However, during the time you spend flexing and looking at your newfound muscles, all the angry craps rollers sneak up behind you and drown you in a champagne ice bucket.
THE END
Although Yoshi often has great ideas, he sometimes makes impulsive choices. Seeing an opportunity, you heave the roulette table on its side. No one even notices as the dusty roulette wheel rolls away.
Feeling the rush of supreme vandalism, you heave over several more tables before security tries to apprehend you. Rushing out of the casino with Yoshi, you duck into a nearby alley and hide.
“Mamma Mia!” you exclaim, gasping for breath.
“I told you it was a great way to get ripped. Look at you, you’re bulked up. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going to hit the buffet.
– You still need fashion advice, time to search for the Princess.
– Become Yoshi and hit the buffet.
[30]
Bursting with anticipation, you turn and purchase two white wines. When you turn around, the nightclub ladies have turned into the haggard Sirens: Beldam and Marilyn. Cackling, they suck your soul into a jar, then do whiskey shots out of it for eternity.
THE END
You open your mouth to say, “yes,” when a glint of light hits you square in the eyes. The darkness, the bright lights, you realize that you are getting shelled in the Minus World War II. It’s go time, and somebody’s gonna die.
“Nooooo!” you scream, jumping up in the air. Landing square on the heads of the women, you goomba stomp both of them. They turn flat and fall on the floor. To your surprise, they are no longer hot ladies, but have turned into witches.
“Mario! You’re having a flashback!” says Toad, shaking you by the shoulders. Everything swims back to normal; you’re not in a battlefield, you’re in a nightclub.
“Hey, thanks for getting rid of those hags,” says the bartender, “I’ll give you 400 dollars free credit tonight!”
“Way ta go!” shouts Toad, “Let’s go pick up some ladies. Don’t call me Toad, though, call me The Amphibuation.”
While the offer sounds tempting, you’ve got to meet with Peach for some fashion tips, now that you know how to act right.
You heave the cash machine onto the roof of the cab. Unfortunately, the cab was not equipped for this, and the entire thing caves in, squashing the cabbie.
You and Yoshi end up doing ten years hard time, breaking bricks on the chain gang with your heads.
THE END
Yoshi opens his mouth, wide. A pink tongue shoots out, sticking to the cash machine. Yoshi pulls the machine to his mouth and ingests the cash machine like a boa constrictor eating a cow.
Just as security crashes through the doorway, you and Yoshi jump into the taxi. Oblivious to the security guards trying to pull you out of the cab, the driver floors it.
As the guards disappear behind you, you cast wide eyes at Yoshi, “Mamma Mia,” you exclaim.
“I know, wine coolers make me crazy,” explains Yoshi, “they also give me the ability to talk, for some reason. Let’s hit the buffet!”
While the buffet sounds tempting, with your muscles worked out you really should find the princess and get new threads.
You find Princess Peach in your casino’s shopping mall. Feeling happy and surprised that she didn’t get captured by Bowser in the half-hour since you’ve been gone, you bound up to her.
“Hello, Mario,” she squeals. “Don’t you just love this dress?”
She twirls around in a poofy pink number.
To you, it looks the same as her old dress. However, your strategy for wooing the princess is to always smile and nod. You know that if you persist for decades, she’ll give in and marry you.
Peach sniffs the air, “You still smell like sewer crap. My first lesson about wearing cool clothes is to stop smelling like poo-poo.”
A huge green grin on your face, you step onto the floor of the island-themed casino’s buffet. Spread before you are exotic fruits, meats, and dishes with recipes imported straight from Isle Delfino.
You survey the spread, deciding what to eat first.
Music pounding in your ears, you step onto the dance floor. Usually, you would find yourself eye-to-crotch with everyone in the club. But here, you can almost see over the sea of people.
A trio of pretty ladies walks by, giggling. This might be your only chance at love.
– Talk to the pink-haired lady
Opening the doors to the restroom, you are overwhelmed by the view. Bay windows overlook the city from 15 stories up. You only have time to take in the dazzling landscape for a few moments before hopping into the sink.
After washing yourself with the extremely strong plumbers’ soap you brought, you throw on a red shirt and bright blue cargo shorts. Stepping into the hotel lobby, Princess peach rushes up to you, “that will never do, silly. You’ve got to be more exotic with your fashion.” On that note, she presents you with the choice between a gray or black T-Shirt.
Grabbing the Princess in your arms, you plant a huge kiss right on her lips. She pushes you away and slaps you, “Gross, I can taste goldfish corpses!”
Embarrassed, you attempt to make some excuse about administering CPR, but your amorous intentions have been exposed.
Things are different between you and Peach from then on. All of the casual times you spent hanging out with all your friends are now filled with awkwardness. Eventually, she stops inviting you to Mushroom Kingdom galas. You spend your days scouring infested sewers for treasure, and die a lonely, smelly man.
THE END
You tell yourself you are going to stop at five pineapples, because this is just an opening snack. But you’ve never faced the prospect of all-you-can-eat before. Twenty pineapples later, you pat your belly and move on to the main course.
You tell yourself to take it slow, but the promise of all-you-can-eat is too much to resist. Soon, you have eaten all of the fish available. After a few wine coolers, you angrily stormed into the back and ate all the fish stored there. The ensuing stomach problems from all that raw fish leave you immobilized long enough for security to apprehend you. You are soon tied to the cash machine burglary. When Mario turns on you and strikes a deal with the D.A., you find yourself looking at 20 years in prison, or however many years it takes for you to eat through your jail cell.
THE END
You decide to plunge into dessert first, chomping on a plateful of exotically spiced cookies. Soon, you have devoured every sugary biscuit in site. Your stomach bulges, but you take the challenge of “all you can eat” seriously. Waddling under the soft-serve machine, you do a 60-second ice cream keg stand.
The coroner on the scene won’t be able to tell which killed you first: brainfreeze or your stomach exploding. But they do issue a stern warning to the casino about serving lizards who simply have no self control.
THE END
“Baby are you a koopa?” you say to a short, cute girl with pink pigtails. “Because your looks just knocked me over!”
She giggles, “My name’s Jenny.”
“That’s not a good name,” you say, flexing your biceps. “From now on, I’ma give you a Jersey nickname: Toadette.”
“That’s so hot,” she whispers, moving closer. “And hot things make me thirsty.”
Appreciating her high level of self-awareness, you elbow your way through the crowd at the bar. Waving some coin in the air, you catch the bartender’s attention.
– Order two magic potions on the rocks
Puffing out your chest, you step to the green-haired lady and say hello. She smiles a pointy-toothed smile and jumps on top of you. At first, you think that your recent ab workouts must really be doing the trick, but then you realize it’s Izzy Koopa in disguise. After unsuccessfully trying to bite through your neck for half an hour, Iggy beats you to death with his sceptre.
THE END
Bobbing your head in a manner you consider to be “tough,” you approach the blue-haired lady standing alone on the dance floor.
“Hello,” you say in as deep a voice you can muster while still continuing to suck in your stomach, “Did you know I’ve been to outer space?”
The blue-haired vixen pounces upon you. Too late, you realize that this is not a passably-attractive Jersey nightclub female, but rather Larry Koopa. Larry beats you with his staff/scepter-thing until you are unconscious. And dead.
THE END
“An excellent choice,” Peach comments, handing you the shirt. As you change into it, she procures a black pair of pants and a belt. “This is perfect. Now which giant chain do you want to wear?”
– Wear the 3-Up moon on a silver chain
– Wear the diamond star with the gold chain
– Screw Peach’s advice, dress as Dr. Mario with a stethoscope around your neck
Opening wide, you chomp down an entire pork roast in three bites. You gulp down another ham, have a wine cooler, then belligerently order the staff to fix you more ham. They oblige, throwing out a dozen more slabs of meat and bone. You gulp them down as fast as you can. Unfortunately, a bone lodges in your throat. You ground pound, hoping to dislodge it from your windpipe, but this doesn’t work. You black out, gasping for air. The staff is reluctant to help, by the time medical personnel arrive you are long dead.
THE END
Every Yoshi has a simple dream: To find an all-you-can-eat buffet of the most savory meat possible. Today, your lizard dreams come true. You bound over to a large hunk of meat spinning on a rack. A man begins to carve pieces off for you, but you shove him aside. Eating the lamb like corn-on-the-cob, you moan in ecstasy. From now on, you resolve to only eat things that are spinning around a pole.
The chef is quite pleased with your gusto. She brings out several more lamb hunks, all skewered and rotating in front of metal heaters. You spend most of the night eating lamb. Finally, well past midnight, you stumble into your room. Flopping onto the bed (making sure to remove the bedspread first), you let out a wall-trembling belch. You drift off to sleep with a huge smile on your face, your belly full for the very first time.
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve found a pretty good ending… but the princess is not in this castle. Errr, ending.
Evan Hoovler is the editor-in-chief of EgoTV.
While you wouldn’t normally think of Spam as an exotic tropical meat, it’s obvious that this casino has made the exception for cost-cutting measures. Still, you decide to give it a try, popping a huge hunk in your mouth. The flavor gushes over your tongue, you squeal with delight. Soon, you have eaten all of the spam displayed. A quick wine cooler later, you have jumped the counter, and are rooting around the back. You find an enormous crate of frozen Spam, taller than you. Eagerly, you dig in.
While you wouldn’t normally think that liver failure could occur instantaneously, yours shrivels up and dies from your over-consumption. You go into toxic shock, and die from an overdose of Spam. The Hormel corporation, makers of Spam and other fine products, pays for your funeral. However, this is of little help as nobody attends.
THE END
Handing a potion to Toadette, you chug your drink down. Soon, you find yourself in sub space, your vision darkens and everything seems more vibrant. You grab a nearby drink and start sucking on a piece of ice and dancing wildly. Toadette isn’t feeling the potion nearly as much as you, so she just waits until you pass out and then steals your wallet.
THE END
Passing Toadette her cup of invigorating Able juice, you toast and take a sip. You feel a refreshing tingling all over your body.
“Mmmmm!” squeals Toadette. “This tastes great, and I can already feel my Syphilis clearing up.”
She takes your arm, leading you out onto the dance floor. You bust a few moves, while still looking as aloof as possible.
“I think I love you,” she whispers into your ear. “Let’s sneak away to some bungalow and down some stone pot in the middle of the desert.”
That’s all the encouragement you need. You and Toadette go on a wild bender, traveling all across the country. Finally, you tie the knot in Las Vegas. You become a blackjack dealer, specializing in messing up the deal to get huge tips. Toadette spends time as a waitress before settling down as a full time mom. You both die of old age, which is about as good a way to go as any.
CONGRATULATIONS! This is an ending. However, the princess is not in this castle, so try again.
Evan Hoovler is the editor-in-chief of EgoTV.
[51]
Holding two frothing glasses of fermented fruity punch, you make your way back to the pink-haired girl. As you offer a drink to her, she slaps it out of her hand, “this isn’t Fruit Parfait, what did you do to it?”
You try to explain that both foods are made from the exact same ingredients, but she sprays you in the face with a burning hot liquid. You fall on the floor screaming. Sadly, everyone nearby thinks you are writhing around on the ground because you are a lousy dancer, and it takes a half-hour to find help. By then, your face has burned off.
You try to work in your store in the middle of the desert, but your ghastly face wounds scare off what few customers come in. You die a sad and lonely man, your life having been destroyed by your fruity choices.
THE END
You bust out the moon fragment that you found one time to gain three extra lives.
“What the fire world is that?” Peach scoffs.
“It’s my 3-Up moon!” you say proudly, then add. “Mamma-mia!”
“Why do you need 3 lives? Are you better than me?” Princess Peach’s face turns red.
“No, no, no!” you exclaim, shaking your head.
“Are you saying I don’t have a life?” Peach rips a nearby mannequin off its stand and throws it at you, “You don’t have a life, buddy! You stupid no-talent plumber.”
A large security guard comes in and drags Princess Peach out, screaming and kicking. As if things couldn’t get worse, you look down at your moon medallion and realize it does look kind of stupid.
THE END
Putting on your diamond star medallion, you can’t help but admire how it sparkles in the light. Peach giggles and spins around. Grabbing your arm, she leads you outside. You catch a taxi to Bowser’s hotel and casino.
Hopping out of the cab, Peach on your arm, you catch a glimpse of admiration from the door man. He holds open the door wide for you. As you pass by, the door man holds out his hand.
– Slap him five and shout, “Hey, you did-a good. See you next time!”
You’ve had enough kowtowing to Peach. In a whirl you have stripped naked, then donned your trusty labcoat. Putting on your stethoscope and shiny, circular forehead thing, you take a look in the mirror. Not too shabby, although Peach doesn’t seem sold.
Pulling out a 1-Up mushroom, you place it in the door man’s palm.
“Thanks,” he beams, “I was just about to kill myself.”
After checking in, you make your way up to the suite. Bay windows fill two adjoining walls, creating a breathtaking panoramic view of the nearby canals and trash dumps. You barely have time to take it all in before Peach grabs your arm, “Where to, Mario?”
– Eat at the casino steakhouse
[56]
Slapping your palm against the door man’s hand, you shout your condolences. Unfortunately, the door man is a stooge for Bowser, and immediately reports your location. Before you can make it to the reception desk, a dozen security guards have surrounded you. They take you downstairs, to a small metal room built below the casino. There, Bowser breaks all of your fingers, and works you over with a metal bat. In order to free you, he makes Peach dress up in a gaudy, slutty outfit and serve drinks to customers all week. Needless to say, this severely impairs the non-relationship you had worked decades to build. You return to Italy a broken man, resolving never to quest again.
THE END
Pulling out an enormous jar from your tiny labcoat pocket, you begin flinging pills into the jar’s opening.
“What are you doing?” gasps Peach. In response, you point to a trio of viruses in the jar, with a well-aimed toss of a pill you eliminate all three of them.
“What, you think you’re funny?” snaps Peach. Confused, you shrug your shoulders.
“For your information,” she screams, “I do not have a virus. That was a rumor started by that filthy Daisy.”
Hoping to calm the situation, you loudly exclaim, “Mamma Mia!”
However, this just earns you a slap to the face. Peach storms out, pushing the glass jar over as she does so. Thousands of exotic viruses pour out, and begin infecting everyone in the area. This turns out to be ground zero of a plague which wipes out the entire human population of Earth. Next time, don’t play games with deadly agents of biological warfare.
THE END
Showing the newfound confidence that comes with suddenly achieving a medical degree, you hand Peach a revealing nurse’s outfit. She seems reluctant to try it on, but your smooth demeanor convinces her, and she lapses back into her two-dimensional character. She giggles as she slips on the nurse’s vest, “Are we going to a costume party?”
You immerse yourself in the blinking lights and gleaming metal of the casino floor.
You soon understand why the doorman was so particular: everyone on the floor is in fancy dress. Just glancing at the craps table, you spy millions of dollars worth of jewelery.
Just then, a glint from a spinning roulette wheel catches your eye. However, Peach tries to drag you to the blackjack table.
You score a pair of tickets to see an exotic circus perform in the casino’s main showroom. The theme of the night is fire, as acrobats and dancers use blazing props to light up the darkened auditorium. The final act is a spiny breathing a 50-story-high column of flame. Unfortunately, the auditorium is only 40 stories high, and quickly catches fire. Although the blaze is out within minutes, it weakens a support beam. As the beam falls 40 stories and crushes you and Peach, you wonder if this was truly an accident or a really, really elaborate set-up.
THE END
“Fine, I’ll go,” says Peach, “but only if they have a mushroom burger. Anything will do, I suppose: 1Up or portabello or volt.”
You head into the finest restaurant in the casino, if not all of Atlantic City. Everyone admires your chain and tight T-shirt, although you feel a bit underdressed when you spy a table full of men wearing suit jackets and no undershirts.
A thin waiter with a pencil mustache escorts you to a table and asks what you will be having to drink.
Bowser’s Hotel and Casino is 32 stories high. From the roof you could see all of New Jersey if you looked in that direction (which you don’t). Instead you face west, gazing at the point where the New World stretches off into the horizon. You drift into a daze, a lazy smile creeping over your face. Peach shakes you, “Mamma Mia!” you shout.
“Mario, what is that?” exclaims Peach, pointing over the side.
Gazing down hundreds of feet, you spy a giant SUV, far too big for any highway lane, parked in front of the casino. A valet rushes to open the door, out climbs the enormous Bowser.
– Jump off the edge of the building and ground pound at a speed near terminal velocity
Stepping behind a red velvet curtain with a sign that reads “high rollers only,” you are surprised to see the room consists of only a single blackjack table with some seedy looking, vest-wearing dealer smoking a cigar.
Still, you’ve had a backlog of coins ever since you calculated that you have enough 1-Ups to outlive the universe, and you came to play. Tossing a million coins onto the table, you are surprised when the dealer pulls out a gun. You begin to ask if this is some kind of local twist on blackjack, when the casino dealer shoots both of you with a double-barreled Bullet Bill shotgun. He manages to get all the way to the border before getting caught. But you don’t care, you’re too busy trying not to be dead but failing, miserably.
THE END
You head over to the spinning roulette wheel, intending to place a large stack of bills on red and black. Just then, the ball takes a rogue bounce, leaving the roulette wheel and slamming into your Adam’s Apple. As you fall to the floor, choking, the ball ricochets three inches into Peach’s skull.
Interestingly enough, the path of the ball perfectly mirrors that of the JFK assassination’s “Magic Bullet.” Thousands of disproved conspiracy theorists develop severe depression to occupy all of their newfound free time. But that doesn’t effect you or Peach, because you’re both dead.
THE END
You amble towards the blackjack tables at a leisurely pace. Suddenly, a fight breaks out between a goomba and a koopa. The goomba hauls off and slugs the koopa, who hides in his shell as he goes spinning against the wall. The ricochet comes straight at you and Peach, the impact kills you both instantly. A stray koopa shell awareness campaign comes as a result of your deaths, culminating in all the video game superheroes singing a song about safety, with all the proceeds going to charity. Although there are over 20 million illegal downloads, it only manages to sell 1 copy. But that doesn’t matter to you, you’re too busy doing all that stuff that happens after you die. Or nothing, if that’s what happens.
THE END
As politely as you can, you loudly shout, “It’s a-me, Mario! I’m gonna drink water!” Peach points to something on the menu and the waiter shuffles off.
“I do so enjoy sophistication, don’t you Mario?” Peach inquires.
– Agree, then say something sophisticated, maybe about the stock market
– Disagree, then eloquently argue that a modest upbringing builds good character
You are Mario, and you will be treated with respect and reverence. To illustrate this for Peach, you demand a cup of New England clam chowder served piping hot and in a wine glass. When the waiter desperately tries to explain that this is a Mediterranean restaurant, you bang your fist on the table and jump up on your seat.
There is a giant crash as you take out your boredom on the restaurant table. As the shocked staff and patrons watch in awe, you leap in the air, smashing your head against the tiles in the ceiling. At first, the only thing that happens is that some asbestos pours out. But then, you find an opening and jump through it.
There is a pitch-black passage. You run down it for what feels like an eternity, before the passage widens into a torchlit room. There, a short, old man stands next to a chest.
“Take it all, it’s yours!” He cries, gesturing to the chest. Opening the chest, you are excited to see a warp whistle lying on the bottom.
Leaping from the roof, you spill into freefall, the doctor’s coat flapping around you. Doing a tuck and somersault, you fly dozens of stories down. Moments before you bring the crippling force of your posterior onto Bowser’s shell, he lies flat on the ground. One of his shell spikes goes up a very critical place on your body. It’s extremely agonizing and painful to even think about, so we’re just going to say you died instantly (even though you actually suffered for months).
THE END
“Okey-doke!” you say, smoothly. You decide to wait and let Bowser do his thing. Maybe he doesn’t even want to kill you. Probably you should’ve weighed this before you booked a room in his hotel, but that’s not important right now. What is important is that Bowser spots you in your white labcoat all the way up on the roof, and he seems to want to kill you.
Roaring with rage, Bowser runs headfirst into the revolving door, smashing it. Which a chuckle you realize that the enormous Bowser can’t fit into his own casino. Laughing, you dump your drink over the edge and it splashes all over Bowser’s head. Smoke comes out of his ears, the giant lizard begins climbing the casino tower. He pounds the sides with his fists. The ensuing vibrations cause you to tip over the side, catching yourself by grabbing onto a ledge.
In your most proper accent, you say, “stocks-a Mamma Mia!”
“Oh Mario, you’re such a well-rounded man,” says Peach, “if only my contract didn’t stipulate that I am not allowed to date you because our ratings would plummet.” Peach’s words confuse you, they refer to things of which you’ve never heard.
“Your silence speaks volumes,” states the Princess, which confuses you even more, “Maybe I can break the contract like we break curses.”
“It’s a no good!” you debate, “I’m Mario, I’m a the plumber! I’m a gonna win!”
Miffed, Peach storms out of the restaurant. Deflated, you trudge down to the casino floor. There, you spot Luigi, bragging about his exploits to the disinterested-looking blackjack dealer. You sigh: Have you sunk this low? Hands in your pockets, you trudge over to Luigi.
“It’s a my Brother!” you say through gritted teeth, “Hello!”
“Hi,” says Luigi, “Glad to see you. Do you want to hang out?
– Agree to hang out with Luigi, he’s your brother so it will be fun
“Stop it, Mario,” Peach cries, tugging on your arm, “He’s not worth it.”
But you aren’t going to let anyone treat you with such indignity. Popping a fire flower, you shoot a fireball at the waiter. He goes up in flames. Thinking ahead to your possible incarceration, you run downstairs to the hotel lobby. There, you spot Luigi rambling about his huge winning streak in Las Vegas to a disinterested valet.
“Stop!” From across the spacious lobby, two security guards run towards you.
Politely, you ask to see the manager. The waiter sighs and heads into the back.
Fun fact: There is legislature to outlaw Bullet Bills from working at any establishment that has either A. People or is B. Indoors. Although it turns out this law will be passed, it does you no good. A giant Bullet Bill, having just earned his first day as manager, comes flying into the room. The resulting mess tears up half the restaurant, crushing many under the Bullet’s enormous size. Or it went through their chests, you were never exactly sure how Bullet Bills did their damage. You never will be sure, either, because you weren’t looking when it flew into you and killed you.
THE END
Figuring it might warp you ahead to a time when you have destroyed Bowser and you are treated more like the international superstar you truly are, you give the whistle a toot. A whirlwind materializes from the air and engulfs you.
You are carried out of the casino and high into the air. After a few minutes of soaring through the clouds, you are deposited on the ground. Standing up, you find yourself facing a small, rectangular lake.
“What, uh, what are you doing here?” A voice squeaks behind you. You turn around to spot a strange elvish boy in a green tunic, wielding a large sword. He spots your flute with wide eyes. Before you can pull it away, he grabs your flute and plays a riff. A whirlwind takes him away.
You try to find a way out of this new, exotic mountain and fail, on your way down you are crushed by a falling boulder.
THE END
“Wait a minute,” you say quizzically. “Why are you just standing in this creepy room in the middle of an air duct?”
“It’s … it’s what I do.” says the man, rubbing the back of his neck.
“You’re just … giving this to me?” you inquire.
“Sure!” a wide grin spreads over his face.
You turn to run, but the man chases after you, his grin now far too wide. Your foot gets caught in an air duct. The man’s jaws open wide. With your final thoughts, you rue that you didn’t just take the whistle. You are certain that would’ve worked out fine.
THE END
Gobbling down a fire flower, you fling bursts of flame at Bowser. Unfortunately, they seem to hit him with no effect. Or maybe, he has a lot of health and they are damaging him a small amount, you aren’t really sure.
Using all of your contortionist and origami skills, you fold into a paper airplane. A draft floats you away from the casino. Thrilled, you let the breeze carry you far away from Bowser. Unfortunately, you get caught by a strong crosswind which takes you out to sea. Eventually, you splash into the ocean, miles from the shore. You swim mightily, but cannot fight the current. As you are pulled under, your final memories are of Peach kissing you on the cheek.
THE END
Removing your lab coat, you fling it towards Bowser. You successfully drape the coat over his head. Bowser is confused for a moment, before shaking off the coat and continuing his climb.
“Bro, we are going to have the best time,” says Luigi, heading towards the poker room. Suddenly, he turns on his heel to face you, “let’s get one thing straight, though. I can’t tolerate any of this Italian-American stereotype you promote. So, no Mamma Mia, no it’s a-Mario, none of that. Understood?”
Quickly, you remember why you hate hanging out with Luigi. Defeated, you nod and follow him to the poker room.
“Hey, there,” Luigi says to the scantily clad poker dealer, “How’d you like to hook up with a real high roller?”
The woman scoffs and continues dealing.
“Fine!” screams Luigi. “I didn’t want to be with you anyway! Now cash this in, it’s about $80.”
Come on, Bro,” he exclaims, “Join me.”
You run face-first into the nearest potted palm. White light fills your vision as you fall painfully to the ground. Sadly, these plants don’t seem to be nearly as aggressive as the ones you are used to dealing with. Looking up, you see Luigi hustling over to help you. You scream loudly, scooting away from your brother. Standing up, you run out of the casino and into the middle of the street. There, you are hit by a bus driver, needless to say it is more vicious than you are used to dealing with.
You wake up in your bed. “Was it all a dream?” you wonder, but a quick check of your life total shows you are down one. Content, you snuggle back under the covers, knowing you are half a world away from Luigi.
CONGRATULATIONS! You successfully avoided hanging out with Luigi, a victory in itself. There are still more endings, though, including the best one. So your princess is not in this castle.
Evan Hoovler is the editor-in-chief of EgoTV.
You pull out another fire flower. Fortunately for you, Luigi’s fat trap is always hanging open, so shoving the flower down his throat is easy. Luigi turns into fire-throwing Luigi, wearing the same cream-colored overalls as yours. You dive into a nearby bush just as security bursts through the doors.
They immediately arrest Luigi. He is convicted of murder and sentenced to 25 years. He spends the rest of his life bitter and broken.
CONGRATULATIONS! You successfully got rid of that pesky Luigi! But your princess is in another castle, try to save her!
Evan Hoovler is the editor-in-chief of EgoTV.
Shoving Luigi down the concrete steps of the casino, you dash into the busy traffic. Darting between and on top of speeding cars, you figure this is the perfect place to evade the police. Unfortunately, you forgot about the skills of your much-inferior-but-still-superpowered brother. He darts into the street and tosses you on the ground.
“I got him!” he screams. “I did it, I’m the hero!”
He leans in close and softly says, “I’m sorry I had to do this,” then gets up and raises his hands triumphantly in the sky. You end up serving hard time in a state penitentiary for over a decade. Luigi goes on to take over your empire and marry Princess Peach.
THE END
You fling fireball after fireball at King Koopa.
“Each fireball brings me closer to success,” you keep telling yourself. As Bowser nears you begin pegging him directly in the face. The last sound you hear before he swallows you whole is his annoying, throaty laugh.
THE END
“Uh-Oh!” you scream loudly. The Princess grabs your arms and hauls you back up to the roof. Looking down, you see Bowser’s rage is not limited to you, as he pushes in windows as he ascends the hotel exterior.
“Mario what are we going to do?” squeals Peach.
You sit down. You aren’t halfway through the first round of betting before Luigi slams his cards on the table.
“What is this?” he shouts at the dealer, “are you some kind of prejudiced towards Italians?”
Before the shocked dealer can respond, Luigi turns to a nearby waitress, “Honey, get me a drink: one-third Coca-Cola, one third diet Dr. Pepper, and one-third orange juice. If you get it back here in 10 minutes, there’s a shiny 50 cent piece in it for you.”
The waitress storms off. Hoping to distract yourself, you stare intently at your cards: a two and a ten. The betting comes your way, it’s fifty shiny gold coins to stay in.
– Call
– Fold
– Raise
– Knock over the table as a distraction, then sprint as fast as you can away from Luigi
You sprint away from the restaurant, tearing off your chain and shirt, people at the casino stare as you sprint through, shouting “Noooooooo!”
You bound out of the casino, hit the bus station, and catch the first bus bound for Italy.
During the bus ride, you realize you feel like a new Mario. No longer shackled by your obsession with just one woman, you realize you are free to engage in romantic pursuits throughout the galaxy. This brings you warm satisfaction you haven’t known in decades, and you drift off to sleep with a wide grin on your face. Unfortunately, you wake up in terror as the bus has plunged into the Atlantic Ocean. You are too slow to swim up out of the bus: It carries you down to your watery grave.
THE END
Tired of being taken advantage of, you set out to break free from your contract. Changing into your most authoritative pink powersuit, you call up the best lawyers in the kingdom and form a team. All ready to take on the corporate menaces who pushed you into your contract, forcing you to act childish and girly, you head to the courtroom.
But then you spot a row of pretty flowers. Throwing your briefcase on the ground, you dash over to smell them.
Pulling out the blue shell you save for occasions exactly such as this one, you toss it over the side of the building. It plunges towards Bowser, but then slows down. To your horror, the blue shell begins ascending straight at you.
“HA!” Thunders Bowser. “Looks like you’re in first place!”
You scramble back from the edge. Wrapping your arms around your head, you crouch down into a tight ball. It does nothing to fool the heat-seeking blue shell, which zips over the edge and bowls into you. As you fly off the other side of the towering casino hotel, you realize why carrying a blue shell requires a permit in most countries.
THE END
Reaching into the pocket of your special pants that doctors wear, you pull out enough viruses to make the scientist from 12 Monkeys jealous. Squeezing them in your palm to crack open the capsules, you toss them over the edge.
You succeed in causing a massive epidemic that wipes out the entire human population. Ironically, Bowser is resistant to every viral strain you threw at him, and rules over the wasteland with a smug grin on his face.
THE END
Watching the angry, giant lizard scale the skyscraper, you realize that this might be more than your medical training can handle. Pulling out your banana whistle, you give it a mighty blow. Soon, Donkey Kong’s enormous frame rumbles into view. The large ape begins scaling the opposite side of the casino hotel, smashing in every window he passes.
Soon, the enormous reptile and simian have weakened the foundation of the building. The structure collapses, falling to the ground in a dusty heap. Grabbing Peach, you manage to jump away just before the roof crashes down.
Having destroyed the building, DK and Bowser face off. Instead of barrel-throwing or fire-breathing, the two enemies start punching each other in the face. Bowser’s puny lizard arms are no match for Donkey Kong’s muscular arms. Soon, the King of Koopas is lying on the ground, his face shattered.
It wasn’t the relaxing vacation you’d hoped for, but at least you came out on top with all of your friends. In celebration, Princess Peach gives you a kiss on the cheek before hopping into Donkey Kong’s arms. The feeling of her lips on your cheek makes you tingle all over. As Peach and Donkey Kong are leaving to hit the clubs, you wave goodbye, knowing that her kiss is a surefire sign that she is interested in you.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have defeated Bowser and successfully survived your New Jersey vacation. This is probably the best ending you’re going to find, but feel free to play again, as there are many other paths.
Evan Hoovler is the editor-in-chief of EgoTV.
You make your move, not really interested in the hand at play.
“Wait a minute!” shouts Luigi, to the groans of everyone at the table, “Mario’s cards touched my cards for a brief instant. That means we have to redeal.”
The dealer glances at the pit boss, who nods, then begins collecting the cards for reshuffle.
“Be sure and wash the dishes,” Luigi barks at the dealer, “Don’t try to cheat me with that riffle shuffle. Where in chocolate kingdom is my drink?”
Dashing to the nearest purple flower, you inhale its scent deeply. The floral hues make you think of the color purple, oddly enough. Then, of the colors red and blue.
“Mario!” you shout, remembering your quest. Picking up your briefcase, you hurry back. One of your lawyers asks you which car you’d like to take to the courthouse.
Rushing over to the nearest bright yellow flower, you inhale its scent, deeply. Trying to pull back, you realize with horror that the flower has latched on to your nose. It’s a Crazee Dayzee, with a flurry of movement it beats your face in with its firm leaves. The attack leaves you bloodied and battered. Forgetting all about the court case, you immediately call your father and order all the kingdom’s resources devoted towards eradicating the Crazee Dayzee.
Unfortunately, the empire of the Crazee Dayzee fights back. One morning, you awake in your castle to find fields of Crazee Dayzees marching straight upon you. Soon, the army has descended upon the castle, all citizens are lined up and then garrotted. Your blood joins the newly-formed river which runs through the streets of the Mushroom Kingdom.
THE END
Skipping over to a nearby blue flower, you take a double-nostril full of its thick, sweet scent. Soon, you find yourself growing sleepy, you decide to lie down on the sidewalk for a nap. Stretching out, you close your eyes and fall asleep. Hours later, a police officer arrests you for vagrancy. Although you miss your court case, you do end up shutting down the entire Atlantic City police department in a fierce act of petty vengeance.
THE END
Grimacing, you do your best to tune out your brother’s noxious nattering. However, things go from annoying to super-annoying when Luigi loses the next pot.
“Cheaters!” Luigi screams, “You all cheat just like my stupid brother. Help me out here, Mario.”
You start to back away, but Luigi grabs you, turns to security and shouts, “Do your best, us Mario brothers don’t back down.”
You didn’t expect security to unload their handguns into you. In fact, you’re pretty sure it’s illegal. But that does you a whole lot of good as you lay on the casino floor, your view of the ceiling slowly blurring before you die.
You step into the super blooper. It is a crowded fit for both you and the driver in this 1P vehicle. Fortunately, you don’t mind hanging off the back. This allows you to throw items at traffic. Unfortunately, one of Bowser’s minions spies you, while they are driving a tractor-trailer. He smushes you against the back of your own vehicle.
Your entire kingdom mourns your passing, none more than Mario (which is weird, because you weren’t that into him.) The procession is over a mile long, which means nothing to you since the Mushroom Kingdom uses the metric system. Bowser even shows up, but he brings with him a bunch of bob-ombs, killing half the population.
THE END
You hop into the Flame Flier.
“Step on it,” you tell the driver, before realizing you are the only one in the vehicle.
Climbing into the front seat is really, really difficult in a poofy, pink hoop-skirt. By the time you manage this feat, hours have passed and the court case is over. You eventually find out you lose, but first you locate the owner of the Flame Flyer and throw a tantrum, at them.
THE END
You think long and hard about your decision, before finally sliding into the daytripper. Your ride to the courthouse goes smoothly.
Once there, your powerful lawyers argue a bunch of law stuff, and you are let out of your restrictive
contract. Finally, you are free to date your true love … Captain Falcon.
CONGRATULATIONS! You’ve reached an ending! It’s not the best ending, but its a good ending. You should feel good, but not the best.
Evan Hoovler is the editor-in-chief of EgoTV.
“Honestly, Peach,” Luigi moans. “You’re a walking stereotype. In my opinion, you’re too helpless and it makes you a bad role model.”
Luigi paused from his rant to follow Peach’s awe-stricken gaze. There, he saw a comet plummeting towards the Earth. Or, rather, through the Earth, as the comet is enormous.
THE END
Published: Jul 19, 2012 09:00 pm