Reliable Source: Furniture, Marijuana and Bobby Kotick

Virtual Furniture Pushed on Home Users by Campy Vegas Act

Sony’s Home, in hopes of being as relevant as Las Vegas street magic, has launched a cross promotion with male mascara sponsor Criss Angel who also hopes the move will make him as relevant as Home.

Players who endure a showing of Angel’s Mindfreak will receive a virtual couch with which they can decorate their virtual apartment. However, due to a seeming lack of interest, the cross promotion is far from what either party are calling a success. Reports suggest, however, that it is doing better than last year’s promotion that had players sit through a two hour Celine Dion concert to earn an imaginary bathmat, or the ill-considered promotion where players were asked to cut off an ear and send it to Sony headquarters to earn a virtual Van Gogh print.

Moderate Marijuana Users 90% Less Likely to go on GTA Inspired Killing Spree

A research team at James Henderson University, Florida recently concluded a thorough, scientific study of the effects of marijuana on subjects playing Grand Theft Auto. The study asked the players to smoke half an ounce of the drug over the course of a week while playing the game. The test subjects who smoked the real drug were almost 90% less likely to commit carjacking, drive-bys or flamethrower massacres than the subjects who had been given a placebo.

Researchers were excited that they found a possible cure for video game violence. But, unfortunately, the study has also shown that about the same percentage of marijuana-using GTA players were less likely to do anything aside from playing GTA.

Guitar Hero Unplugged Fails to Please Fans

In a bid to compete with Rock Band Unplugged, Activision has taken out all the stops and introduced an unplugged version of their popular Guitar Hero game.

This is the first in a series of games from Activision that feature ‘realistic’ controllers and a brand new system of feedback the publishers have dubbed “Music™.” The game’s controller, which is being hailed as an innovative step to improve the realism of the game features strings, frets, pegs, and comes with sheet music.

“In making a guitar that featured everything a real guitar does, it is our intention to bring our players an experience unrecognizable from playing a real guitar,” said a representative from Activision.

But some customers are not excited about the nearly $400 price tag and so called ultra-realism, saying the game is unintuitive and impractical. “This is really hard,” said an ambition-less thirty-something after buying the game. “How am I supposed to live out my fantasy as a rock star if I am expected to learn three chords and move my right hand up and down?”

Bobby Kotick Hailed as Great Comedian

Activision CEO, Bobby Kotick, made an off-color joke last week about wanting to charge even more for games. This came at a time when the economy is doing poorly, and gamers are buying less games due to financial concerns. PR representatives who were expecting fallout over the joke were pleasantly surprised to find that fans hadn’t organized any ‘company crippling’ boycotts or called for the head of any overpaid loudmouth executives.

“Oh, I’m not mad at all, after last night’s show now I understand why they pay CEOs so much. You really can’t put a price tag on comedy that good. I’d gladly pay 20-30% more for Activision games to help keep Mr. Kotick’s comedy career alive,” said one independently wealthy gamer.

A DVD of Kotick’s standup tour, Bobby Kotick: I Swim in Your Money, will be available in October for £55 (92$), unless it’s delayed until 2010 to avoid conflicting with the Modern Warfare 2 release date.

Republicans Solve Healthcare with WebMD

Republicans announced a radical plan to install Docphone in every home by 2015. The Docphone will replace long waiting room visits and free up doctors to perform more profitable procedures. Users of the Docphone will simply input their symptoms into the device and which will then scour the internet for a diagnosis and suggest a cure.

“Early trials of the machine are a little concerning,” said Mitch Robertson, an engineer for the project who wished to remain anonymous. “One of the strange problems we’ve had were where the communications software became confused and suggested that some users reporting cramps and headaches ‘do a barrel roll.’ Still we think this is better than the Democrat’s healthcare plan to kill and eat anyone over the age of 50.”

WebMD hopes to have public models of the Docphone available by late 2010, with all the accuracy and user friendliness you’ve come to expect from the internet dictating your health to you.