Reliable Source: Pirates, Sex and Spoilers

Company Trademarks SexBox

Silicon Xtal Corporation has trademarked an adult game console known as the SexBox. Along with playing adult-only games, the console promises to stream movies, run social networks and sport a wide variety of “human interface devices.”

“We designed the system because there is really no outlet for adult games in the US. Part of the problem is that parents see the word ‘game’ and they think it’s for their children.” claimed one Silicon Xtal employee, “When they see it’s an adult game, they become confused and can’t make up their mind about what ‘adult’ really means. It’s our goal to remove any uncertainty about who should play adult games and who shouldn’t. We never meant for children to play Tijuana Donkey Rider 3. That was the mistake of parents who didn’t read the rating before giving it to their 8-year-old daughters. We hope the SexBox will go a long way to heal the past and provide an atmosphere of dignity and maturity as only a machine dedicated to masturbation can offer.”

Reliable Source readers should note that Silicone Xtal’s last venture into consoles was less than successful. Their controversy-fraught console ‘The Pony NeighStation 3’ is the reason adult-only games are no longer found in stores.

Jerk Spoils Game, Gets What’s Coming

A Michigan Judge acquitted Mr. Otis Kingston on charges that he had killed a man while they were both playing Call of Duty 4. The incident happened after the victim intentionally spoiled the end of Call of Duty 4, completely ruining the surprise ending.

The trial lasted a mere three days. The jury unanimously decided to acquit Mr. Kingston on the basis that his actions were justified and were a service to humanity. Even the victim’s mother, saddened by her late son’s lack of respect for the Gamer Code, expressed her outrage:

“Although it saddens me that my son is gone, I feel better knowing he can’t cause anyone else pain,” the victim’s mother continued, “Otis did the right thing. People who spoil games by saying things like ‘Croc eats Joker at the end of Arkham Asylum‘ should be killed, preferably with a blunt kitchen utensil.”

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Pirates Complain: Leak Quality Declining

Pirates have suffered many hardships recently. The purchase of The Pirate Bay by a company wanting to legitimize the business model landed a harsh blow to pirates, many of whom do not know how to Google another torrent site. That’s why pirates were outraged to learn that some recent game leaks have been missing content. There are also rumors that developers are intentionally breaking software to make it more difficult for pirates to play.

“It’s very hard to be a pirate in this day and age,” said a Swedish man. “We put a lot of effort into honing our craft. There are countless hours of using the search command, wading through corrupted software and removing viruses from your computer. That’s why it’s the publisher’s duty to deliver the highest quality leaks. These days it’s getting harder to tell if a pirated game is actually worth stealing. Pirates had to wait nearly two weeks before they had access to features only available to paying customers of The Sims 3. This new approach to digital rights management is really making it hard for pirates, and if the gaming industry continues to release buggy products we’ll just have to take our business elsewhere.”

The National Organization for Home Intruders (NOHI) released a statement agreeing with game pirates. The statement calls for homeowners to fill their homes with electronic equipment that is both costly and easy to put in sacks marked $$$. The group is also claiming that home protection, such as locked doors and barred windows, makes it harder for them to do their jobs.

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PS3 Wins Console War Four Years Ago

Sales from the launch of Sony’s PS3 slim have been up nearly 1000% from their original PS3 sales launch. This made at least one skeptic ask, “what is 1000% of 6?”

“At this point, losing is not an option. That’s why we’re doing our best to keep up with top industry leaders. We’re following Nintendo’s minimalist approach by removing unnecessary features like backwards compatibility, high-definition support and the hard disk. Now all we need is a deluge of mini-game collections and a gimmicky controller,” said a Sony spokesman.

Not to be outdone, Microsoft says it will step up production on its aural-dampener. The device is inserted directly into your ear canal before you log into Xbox Live, ensuring you have a pleasant, profanity-free experience. Some tech-savvy users have already pointed out that the device closely resembles a screwdriver.

WOMAN FIRED FOR SHOUTING IN EMAILS, WINS BIG

A NEW ZEALAND WOMAN WAS AWARDED NZD$17,000 (ABOUT US$120 ) AFTER BEING FIRED WITHOUT WARNING FOR HER POOR EMAIL SKILLS. SHE WROTE HER TEAM 12-20 TIMES A DAY, OFTEN WRITING IN CAPITAL LETTERS; BOLD, BRIGHT RED HIGHLIGHTS AND EVEN IN WINGDINGS FOR EMPHASIS.

HER BOSS, UNSURE OF WHETHER HE HAD ACCIDENTALLY HIRED A FUNCTIONAL IMBECILE, GAVE HER THE BENEFIT OF THE DOUBT. THIS ONLY LASTED A FEW WEEKS UNTIL FELLOW EMPLOYEES STARTED COMPLAINING ABOUT HER HORRIBLE GRAMMAR, FLAGRANT USE OF CAPITALIZATION, AND INABILITY TO TYPE WITHOUT MAKING AUDIBLE AIRPLANE NOISES.

“I REALIZE IT WAS SUDDEN, BUT SOMETHING NEEDED TO BE DONE,” SAID THE WOMAN’S BOSS. “ONE OF OUR EMPLOYEES TRIED TO HANG HIMSELF FROM A CLOTHES HOOK IN THE BREAK ROOM, AND I LOST MY BEST EMPLOYEE WHEN HE DECIDED IT WOULD BE EASIER TO GO BACK TO HIS JOB AS A URINAL CAKE TASTE-TESTER.”

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