Next Xbox More Durable, Made From Paper
Industry insiders say that the next Xbox experience may be made from an unexpected material: paper.
Xbox engineers have been working with a material which was first used in the 13th century on the isolated Japanese island of Sudokka. A small band of warrior-children defended the island against 40,000 Mongol soldiers by decapitating their foes with paper cranes and turtles. Children of a village on Sudokka begin folding paper shortly after they are born and retire before their 13th birthday, in order to keep the art form pure. Each paper animal is folded 12,000 times before it is tested before combat by slicing through a single feather.
The technique had remained a mystery until Microsoft scientists learned to navigate the treacherous, man-eating, giant squid infested waters that surround the island. This fusion of ancient artisanship and modern engineering ensure the children of the island will always have a job working in Microsoft sweatshops.
“The tests we’ve run have been largely successful in eliminating the old issues with the Xbox; but; as with all new material, working with it presents a unique set of challenges. One of the biggest difficulties is that the paper-folding machine sometimes catches fire, sending razor sharp paper fragments boomeranging across the room immediately killing everyone in the vicinity. But at least it’s not as disappointing as the red ring of death.”
Sony Creates Reality TV Show, The Tester
Ever wanted to be a big game developer? Go to parties, meet Hideo Kojima and do lines of coke with the developers of LittleBigPlanet? Well, you’re not going to find any of that in Sony’s new reality TV show The Tester.
The new reality show pits unemployed college-dropouts and misguided high school graduates against each other in a battle to earn the coveted title of Sony QA Tester.
Said Sony: “We’re really glad something as important as a minimum wage job can be decided by challenging these kids to a month of eating bugs, sleeping outdoors, going without showers and many other things that real QA testers are required to do each and every day. Also, we have a special guest start planned: Sarah Palin!”
Even with most reality shows failing miserably in ratings this year, the producers of The Tester hope to show Sony customers that they are still hip, and totally with the times. Those times, of course, being the year 2006, the last time reality TV was in style.
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Vatican Priest Pitches Religious MMO
“As long as our children are spending eight hours in front of the computer everyday, they might as well be learning about The Bible,” said Father Ignatio Contadino at a game development conference earlier this week. “The idea came to me after a WoW guildmate joked about a ‘multi-prayer’ game, though he may have just been making fun of Asians.”
“One of the common misconceptions is that it would be some sort of non-violent game. Fans of The Bible know there is no lack of violence in The Good Book. Players will be able to experience real Bible quests where they stone whores and homosexuals, smite heathens, and execute children who curse at their parents,” continued Contadino.
“But, like any other multiplayer game, there will be penalties for failure,” he explained. “For example: If your ox gores a slave, you must pay 25 shekels of silver to the slaveowner; and if your character dies you will have to wait three days and three nights for resurrection. We realize it’s rough, but we’d like to keep The Bible MMO as true to the original verse as possible.”
This innovative idea has received much praise from investors. The financial industry hasn’t been this excited about a fusion of business and religion since Jesus went all “Indiana Jones” and whipped the money-lenders out of the church.
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Tim Langdell Resigns from IDGA to Pursue Interpretive Dance
After months of being berated by the internet, Dr. Tim Langdell called it quits this week in order to pursue his life-long dream: interpretive dance. Gamers around the world let the good doctor know just how sad they were to see him go by sending hundreds of heartfelt emails and posting their undying love for him on various internet forums and social networking sites.
“When I was a kid, there were three things I really wanted to do when I grew up,” said Dr. Langdell, “The first was to become a doctor of psychology. The second: set up a sham business that would trademark commonly-used words in order to bully small, independent game makers into forking over their hard-earned cash.”
“Since I have fulfilled my other dreams, I have decided it’s time to move on. There is something about the freedom and grace that comes with interpretive dance that has always attracted me…that, and the spandex body-suits,” he continued.
But critics are wondering exactly when Dr. Langdell’s new dance troop, “The Color,” will have their first Off-Broadway production of their musical “Purple.”
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Sniper at Bungie Fools Police
This Friday, police responded to a report of a sniper at Bungie’s Seattle studio. Nearby businesses and bystanders reported spotting a man walking down the street carrying a large caliber firearm. Several officers, accompanied by a SWAT team, arrived at the studio only to find that the weapon in question was only a prop used by motion capture actors. Sensing that the area was now safe, and that no Covenant attacks were imminent, the officers went back to doing real police work.
“How was I supposed to know the five foot sniper rifle with a rocket launcher attachment wasn’t real?” asked the caller. “The fact that it was being carried by a man wearing Spartan power armor just made the situation seem even more dangerous. How can I be sure of anything after 9/11?”
Police commented that this was a clear cut case of civilians needing more training on fictional firearms. By coincidence, a degree in Fictional Firearms is being offered by the University of Washington next semester.
Published: Sep 5, 2009 09:00 pm