The Crow Isn’t As Bad As You Expected — It’s Worse

Even though it’s been a week since it was released, everyone seems to know that the remake of the 1994 classic, The Crow, is a bad movie. But as one of the damned souls that actually sat through it, I can attest that it’s even worse than you might think.

Full disclosure – I’m not a diehard fan of The Crow. I think the original movie is fine, although definitely a product of its time. I can see why its style and the fact that it’s a Gothic romance disguised as a superhero movie is a unique and compelling take on the genre. Of course, you also have Brandon Lee’s performance, which elevated the film to an almost mythic level given how he was tragically killed during filming. From that alone, even approaching a remake of The Crow seems like it’s in bad taste and undermines the legacy of Lee’s final role.

So take it from me when I say that even as someone indifferent to the Brandon Lee version of the film, this remake feels pointless at best and downright unwatchable at worst. I’ve seen plenty of bad movies this year, and while a part of me is hesitant to call The Crow the worst movie of the year, it’s certainly a frontrunner. Yes, I probably would prefer to watch Borderlands instead of The Crow, and that movie had one of its lead writers remove their name from the project because they were embarrassed by the final product. This is somehow worse than that.

But what makes The Crow so bad, you may be wondering. Well, when you think of most movies, regardless of the genre or target audience, you’re mostly relying on your eyes to convey the story, right? Film is a visual media after all, and in order to understand the story unfolding, you at the very least need to be able to see what’s happening. The Crow, being the cinematic trailblazer that it is, decided to have the vast majority of its runtime in black and darkly lit environments to the point where it’s hard to tell what’s actually happening in most scenes. Whether it be this incarnation of The Crow, Eric (Bill Skarsgard) walking the streets of this unnamed city at night, or the death of its main antagonist, half of the time it’s virtually impossible to tell what’s going on.

The Crow seems to fundamentally misunderstand almost everything not only about how competent films are made, but about the franchise it’s supposedly adapting. Even if you had no idea that The Crow is a loosely defined superhero, you could tell just by watching the first half hour that the film, at its core, is a love story. The reason why Eric becomes The Crow is to avenge the people who killed his girlfriend, Shelly (FKA Twigs). Because their deaths were so sudden and violent, and because of Eric’s love for her, he comes back as The Crow so that he can enact retribution on those who killed her. But if it’s a love story, then why don’t I feel any chemistry between Eric and Shelly?

I’m not going to disrespect Bill Skarsgard as an actor because he can be quite good, but he, alongside nearly everyone else in the cast, just isn’t able to get across any emotional range. I wouldn’t chalk this up to the actors, since an actor is only as good as the person directing them, but when you have the director of the classic Scarlett Johanson vehicle Ghost in the Shell in the director’s seat, you kind of expect that the acting is going to be a bit subpar. Everyone seems to mumble through their lines and say dialogue that sounds poetic but isn’t able to come across because of the stilted delivery. To make matters even worse, even though the film lasts less than two hours, the first half hour is dedicated to watching Eric and Shelly meet and fall in love, which feels like agony. The emotional scenes mean nothing as we watch them sit around half-naked, do drugs, have sex, and rinse and repeat until they’re choked to death.

Even then, these scenes feel weirdly emaciated. The film starts with Eric watching a horse die for no reason, then we cut to the present day to introduce Shelly, then we meet up with Eric in a drug rehab center where everyone hates him, and even describing it like that feels like I skipped over several scenes, but that’s how the film presents itself. Even when we do reach Eric’s revenge tour, the people that he’s trying to kill have no identity. There’s the main bad guy Roeg (Danny Huston) who somehow has supernatural powers, though that’s never explained. He has some goons, but if they’re named, it must have slipped past me. There are blink-and-you-‘ll-miss-it moments that are meant to introduce important characters, like a flashback featuring one of Eric’s friends who says a single line with his back to the camera, that if you’re not paying attention will only leave you confused when he pops up later as Eric’s best friend.

Even if you want to look at The Crow as a reverse slasher where we follow the killer as he kills a bunch of generic victims, that’s only interesting if one of two things happens – we hate the victims or the kills are cool. The latter point simply is a non-factor here. No one is interesting in the slightest and their names, or character motivations, didn’t stick around even a second after they were said. I get that Eric wants to kill these shmucks to avenge Shelly, but I couldn’t tell you one thing about any of them. To me, they are nameless goons who are meant to be impactful figures in Eric’s killing spree, but just simply aren’t.

And then there’s the action. Or rather, there should be action. In the entire film’s runtime, there were four action scenes, three of which lasted less than a minute. The action is nothing to write home about, except for one scene. The best scene in the film is an extended fight scene at an opera and it’s great. Like, no joke, it’s actually a fantastic action scene. The kills are solid, the use of music is interesting, the comedic bits work, and the ending is satisfying and memorable. And yet, it’s in The Crow. It’s like if you take a John Wick action scene and just transplant it into a VOD action movie. The jump in quality is noticeable and definitely appreciated, but it only makes the bad parts even worse by how boring they are in comparison.

It goes without saying that the film has production issues. You can tell that the script was rewritten numerous times and why all of the directors and actors they had tied to this project left. I mean, this film has been in production since 2008 in one way shape, or form, with people like Ryan Gosling, Bradley Cooper, and Jason Mamoa each being attached at one point. In nearly all elements, The Crow is a mess and it seems like some supernatural forces were conspiring to make sure this film wouldn’t be made. But made it was, and it’s a complete and utter failure, both as a new installment of the franchise and in trying to replicate the original Brandon Lee movie 30 years later.

The Crow is a failure in all regards. That much is certain. At points, it’s literally unwatchable and while I’m usually a positive guy who hopes that people can find enjoyment in movies that I don’t like, I struggle to think of why anyone would like this movie outside of the opera scene. That’s it. Say what you will about Borderlands and its titanic flop and dismal box office, but at the very least I can imagine people making fun of it ironically or people being drawn to the games if only to see what the hype is about. People can find enjoyment out of Borderlands one way or another. There’s virtually nothing to find enjoyment out of in The Crow. It’s dead on arrival and no love for the franchise will save this movie from its own damnation.