Wii Sports Resort

Following the Wii Sports Resort review, here is a list of all the things you could do instead of playing Wii Sports Resort and which would use the exact same hand movements.

Frisbee: Tip a waiter in an extremely snooty, dismissive fashion.

Power Cruising: Sit on a slanting surface and do a comedic impression of Superman in mid-flight attempting to shake an inquisitive bird off his wrist.

Swordplay: Recreate an abstract expressionist painting with a whiteboard marker within a time limit of ten seconds.

Table Tennis: Be in two minds as to whether or not you feel like having a wank.

Golf: Keep a garden hose trained on a nervous dog for as long as possible as it attempts to run away.

Air Sports: Attempt to aim a dart while your drunken friends are moving the dartboard all around the room as some sort of prank.

Basketball: Be a flamboyant homosexual with an arm in a cast attempting to greet a friend.

Archery: Threaten to bite the head off a budgerigar while aiming a gun at the budgerigar’s owner.

Cycling: As Power Cruising, but assume that there are now inquisitive birds on both of Superman’s wrists and he is getting extremely agitated about it.

Canoeing: Hold a German sausage in both hands, then season it with ketchup and mustard bottles that are strapped to your hips.

Wakeboarding: Attempt to wash your car with nails driven through your hands and some kind of rabid woodland creature attached to your sponge.

Bowling: Go bowling.

Red Faction: Guerrilla Comments

In a game where the engine allows you to destroy near-everything… would your rather go sneaky sneaky snipe things, run in, set up mines, run off and detonate them? Or would you rather go rambo-norse god of death and watch everything burst into pretty explosions of hues of orange, blue, green, and purple?

– pvtchunders, from the Red Faction: Guerrilla comments

I hate this argument. I don’t want to play stealth! Stealth is boring! Who wants to sit in a cupboard hiding from guards when you can just run up and clock them into a tree? Give me explosions! Thrills! Excitement! Property damage! Balls-dripping-down-the-wall action! Filling everyone’s mouths with concentrated fiery death spunk and GLARB GLARB NO-ONE WILL EVER BULLY ME AGAIN

Now, don’t get me wrong. I do like that sort of thing. I supported Painkiller, didn’t I? And I certainly wasn’t above Guerrilla’s demolition-based catharsis. But there’s such thing as ‘time and a place’. Idiot fun is exactly that: fun for idiots. Nothing wrong with that. We all like to be idiots now and then, some more often than others. But that’s just one kind of fun. Maybe sometimes I want another kind of fun.

There’s absolutely no skill in gore boner action. It’s just point at a problem until it goes away. Doing laps around a building in RF:G slinging remote bombs like confetti while enemy bullets harass your ankles makes me feel like I did something wrong. Yes, I do find sneaky sneaky snipe snipe to be more fun. It’s a hell of a lot more satisfying to know I was able to totally outwit the enemy without having to swing my caveman club. Okay, you’re only outwitting dodgy AI who can just about point a gun and pull the trigger at the same time, but it’s better than sinking to their level. And lest we forget the GAME IS CALLED RED FACTION: GUERRILLA, not Red Faction Space Boom Wahey.

By the way, if you’re seeing green and purple explosions you should probably get your brain looked at, or check to make sure you don’t have colorful plastic gels strapped to your face.

RED FACTION 1 WAS AWESOME!

In my opinion anyways

– Timelord91, from the very same comments

Mr. Timelord succinctly encapsulates a recurring argument in the RF:G comments. Some people liked Red Faction 1, it seems. Normally my response would be: “If you liked game X I can’t tell you your opinion is wrong, but I can think of other games you might like even more”. But if we’re talking about the same Red Faction 1 here, the game that sold itself on terrain destruction then stopped using it twenty minutes in, the game featuring the world’s most obnoxious and bitchy support character, the game in which enemy snipers could come armed with one-hit-kill hitscan railguns that could penetrate walls and cover, then I think on this occasion I CAN tell you that your opinion is wrong.

Yahtzee is a British-born, currently Australian-based writer and gamer with a sweet hat and a chip on his shoulder. When he isn’t talking very fast into a headset mic he also designs freeware adventure games and writes the back page column for PC Gamer, who are too important to mention us. His personal site is www.fullyramblomatic.com.